No Pets Clause
From the same school of thought that brought us the “Seven Legged Spider”, I now present the latest in circular crazy logic. The goal here is to convince the antagonist, in this case the landlord, that you are so crazy as to not be worth their time. And it all began with this seemingly benign letter…
…which then led to this hilarious email exchange:
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the buildingHello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingHello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the buildingDavid, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
Via: 27bslash6.com
@crazyemails
Just FYI, for those who say it’s fake because the letter was scanned and then he replied to email if you READ the original letter it says for him to contact her by email even though the email is blacked over. And the fact that they don’t have sled dog races in Australia is PART of the point.
This inspires me to pull similar antics with landlords in my town with a No Pets Clause. I’d have to pick something other than sled dog races tho because I’m in the really cold part of Utah in the US and it wouldn’t be unheard of. Dingo breeding for some purpose, however, would be – but why would one breed dingos? Maybe I’ll say I have wombats. I could tell the property management that I have them for extra storage. That, and the interaction would probably be conducted via letters or phone messages because ppl somehow are not high tech enough to email tenants in the less concentrated urban areas, such as Cache Valley. Thank you for the idea! I’ll submit it in e-format if it actually works!
-Ff
You breed dingo’s to eat babys. Jeesh EVERYBODY knows THAT. “The dingo ate my baby!”
Ross Noble ftw
For better or worse, I think if you tried that in America you would get an eviction notice and lose your deposit after the first reply.
Dog Sled racing in Australia. http://au.travel.yahoo.com/great-outdoors/australia/victoria/sled-dog-racing.html
OMG…this thread is full of WIN!
I need to stop reading this stuff in class, I was laughing so hard, I started to cry!!! That may be one of the funniest things I have ever read!!!
I want to give this guy a hug, he is just that awesome.
Androgity=Helen Bailey
They are very small ducks.
ROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTERROFLCOPTER
i had cramps reading that !! hilarious
[...] via No Pets Clause | Emails From Crazy People. [...]
i love this, i so gotta do this somewhen, i use a similer tecnique to explain several odd thingsa i do, playiong insanity rules
This is from Adrian Mole.
The signature on the original letter says David ________. It sure doesn’t look like Helen Bailey.
Haha this is great! This guy is a genius
I love you, David Thorne!!! Will you marry me??
Anyone that wants to check it out to prove its not real has no sense of adventure, fun or humor. I hope he keeps up more of these to brighten the rest of us (the humans) during our labors.
lmfao this guy is amazing!!! just like me!!!
I know a guy at work like that. He drives my nuts training those dogs.
This makes me really happy. I’m glad that people have enough humor and gall to do this.
Oh jeez, I’ve laughed and laughed. Watching someone being sarcastic with a somewhat slow interloper is funny, but when this guy will just keep the thing going and going, it starts to become epic.
Gotta try this with my cable provider. I’m sure it will lead to massive amounts of laughter.
can’t say I approve of the behavior, I mean sure, if he really doesn’t have any dogs a snarky reply or two isn’t too bad, and rather hilarious, but continuing the issue when asked flat out is just being a prick. If I had to deal with him, I’d tack on a $50 charge or so to come out of his security deposit for ‘clearing out pet odors’, people tend to sober up when there’s money at stake.
Agreed. This is no way to conduct a business relationship. Any number of things could have been done to him for being “uncooperative”, including eviction.
LOL you can’t evict someone for being uncooperative… what he did was perfectly legal lol… Annoying or not, you can’t kick someone out just cuz they try to confuse you with randomness and weird emails.
Well IMO if you think that he needs some form of punishment by way of charges or eviction, then you certainly missed the point, and you don’t understand the Aussie psyche. This is classic Oz goofiness (no disrespect David). I’m Oz and i love this stuff. I do it too…. but not as good as David.
This guy is way too funny. I can’t bring myself to stop laughing. A bit of laughter is good for the soul.
Oh wow… that was the most hilarious thing ever! That guy is a genius! I surprised the lady didn’t catch on sooner. I mean, seriously? The guy says he wants to be in a dog sled race.. in Australia. Some people just don’t grasp sarcasm.
LIVE RABBITS!?!?!? Mother fucker…. If I ever meet this man, I’ll beat him senseless….and then release HIM to his “dogs”.
….But on the other hand, it kinda sounds like this unfortunate soul was off his skitso meds…..
He was being sarcastic. Did you not understand that?
Oh, oops, I didn’t see the part about him not having pets….LOLLLLLLL then it’s funny.
Much like you. You know, it’s people like you we’re laughing at here.
“I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. ”
That’s a real winner. LOL! I laughed soooo hard. Good thing my boss wasn’t around.
Fantastic – just love it!!!!
i worship this guy. too funny
This is sooo cool!!! OMG I can’t believe it I’m turing into a NERD!!!!!!!!!
WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA!!!!!!
This guy is such a nerd just like me. I like to sit down and play games all day and never see light. it is soo much fun. i am 40 and have never had a girlfriend!!!!!
Like WHOA!!!
Anyone laughing should read Robin Cooper’s The Timewaster Letters – it is absolutely hilarious! Here’s his website http://www.robincooper.co.uk/
Mel
I found nothing even remotely funny about this mans writings and drawings.
I can hear your sphincter clenching all the way across these internets. It won’t hurt as much if you relax. Really. Honestly. I’m serious.
seriously ?
E.g. this from the ‘new unseen letters’ page to the British Car Wash Association! I like the radical name he suggests for his car wash in his second letter to them!!
http://www.robincooper.co.uk/carwash.php
OHMIGOD! I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, my stomach hurts and I can’t get any sound out of my mouth! Absolutely hysterical!
OMG! I read this at work and I had people come over from all directions to find out why I was in tears. I was laughing so hard they though I was crying. They all proceeded to read it as well taking turns due to the person reading it cracking up and not being able to continue and the others were laugh hysterically, which caused a lot of noise and then a manager came over and told us to quiet down, then asked why we were all laughing…so she read it and the laughing continued….
David is my personal Hero!
To ZWI and UBER – dog sledding is very much alive in Australia:
http://www.jdsport.com/index.html?dir=/dir/Winter_Sports/Sledding/Sled_Dog_Racing/index-2-802-10750-0-0-.html
If they live in Australia, the duck would need to fly North for the winter.
Read “Letters from a Nut” It is written by “Ted Nancy”, with a forward by Sienfeld…most people believe it was written by Jerry Sienfeld. Awesome book.
i havent laughed that hard in weeks! they are very small ducks still cracks me up just thinking it! this is officially my new fave site! go failblog!
Totally hilarious. This guy’s got nerve as well as a twisted sense of humor. I wonder if we were separated at birth.
Fake.This is in Australia. Australia is in the southern hemisphere. Ducks fly north for winter. Unless this guy just fails general knowledge.
Um…..If you didn’t already read the other comments, he’s being sarcastic and the slow person on the other end is just not catching on.
I’m from Australia. We often see american shows and cartoons and the such so naturally think that ducks just fly south for the winter regardless. This is the first time I’ve realized if they fly south they end up in antartica…or the artic, geography is not my strong point.
I shouldn’t reply to comments drunk on a wednesday night.
Lewis, it is I, Louis, I am writing to inform you that ducks do NOT fly North in Winter, they in-fact fly North in Summer and then return South in Winter. You are failing at general knowledge and that is something I cannot allow.
I think maybe the “ducks fly south for winter” was put in so that she would wake up that it was fake
Who cares if it is fake or not …If it gives you a good laugh, that is all that matters.
Magnificent i love this guy ! Made me weep tears of laughter anyone who didn’t ‘get it ‘ must be slightly dim .
Haha those poor puppies j/k too funny, I want a small duck in my bathroom just so I can say that to ppl and be completly serious
This is pure gold.
Holy LORD, I don’t think i’ve every laughed at anything as much as this! WOW…
this guy=epic win
This is seriously the best. “They are very small ducks” made me cry.
I like things like this…a harmless prank…
It was just a small joke…kind of like the ducks…pmsl
Wasn’t David Thorne the same guy who e-mailed back and forth with his neighbor about the house warming party that he invited himself to? I believe it was posted recently on this very site. Now, I have a sense of humor and did find this extremely funny, but it’s simply not real. And of course that now makes the other string of e-mails submitted by David Thorne highly suspect
This guy is a fricken genius!
David, you are a genius and an inspiration to all of us who have been frustrated by the petty bureaucratic ego-tripping of Body Corporate Stratas! That is awesome!
I’ve been laughing for the last 10 mins, I am recommending this site to every1 I know
@Zwi
He was being sarcastic
I think this guy is a genius.
As Miss Julia would state,”THEY LORD!”
(Thank you, Ann B. Ross)
David Thorne is a cult classic. He’s also the creator of the seven-legged spider.
Win all over.
Billy Mays did essentially the same thing to get past Peter at the Gates. Persistent little cuss.
This is the funniest thing EVER!!!! Just like Steve, I gotta quit reading this stuff at work. They probably think I’m crazy, in this office all by myself LMAO.
Epic win ^_^
It’s funny as hell, but wouldn’t ducks fly north for the winter in Australia seeing as the seasons are reversed? Maybe that was meant to be a joke and I missed it. Hilarious, regardless!
I really hate this guy why does he harrass and disturb his neighbors so much?
This is magical. Purely magical.