Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness
Oh sure. This exchange begins innocently enough; just a polite request not to waste hotel resources on tiny soap when Mr. Berman has brought his own bottle to serve his needs…
UPDATE: Sadly, it has been brought to our attention that this series of emails is false. However, that doesn’t make it any less hilarious and it will remain up as long you guys find it funny.
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine
chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday,
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap
dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your
way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should
change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which
my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
But it quickly escalates into a slapstick comedy reminiscent of all those running through doors music montages in Scooby-Doo.
Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning
the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I
found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine
cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought
my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which
are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth,
etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps
which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps
which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish
where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your
convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are
always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and
which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday.
Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any
future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal
attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel
for business at 745 AM and don’t get back before 530 or 6PM. That’s
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off
duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those
little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought
I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in
my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little
bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to
your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further
assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my
room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night
and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap
problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our
Maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service
a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in
last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little
bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you
realize have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid,
Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24
Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap
inventory.
As of today I possess:- On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of
4 and 1 stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1
stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
- Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1
stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of
more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom
window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of
bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid
further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
More of Shelley Berman’s work here
@crazyemails
Wow, I’m glad I wasn’t that maid.
This is starting to sound like a Soap Opera! ;-|
Is this new website supposed to be all about fake emails? It’s not funny if someone just made it up, and this is totally, 100% fake. Big deal.
No, the whole website isn’t fake, just this one. Knowing it was fake somehow lessens the hilarious. =(
what a retarded thing to have an argument about
this is fcking halarious lol !!!
That one is so old I think it was a chain letter at some point. Funny until you realize no one emails the maid.
oh man, I love hotels with mini soap bars xD
I usually tend to put the all away and then surprise the maid with a lot of soap on the day I leave :>
ferst?
Hahaha that last reply was great.
Hats off to you Mr. Berman!
ROFL ROFL ROFL!!!! Oh my that’s classic – reminds me of Fawlty Towers!
This is so funny!
They should turn this into a soap!
OMG, this is friggin hiliarious! How stupid can people be? Really, all the poor man wants is for you to quit bringing him soap. *LOL* Talk about idiocy.
I think I read that one in a Ephraim Kishon Sketch already. It’s funny, though.
I laughed so hard I had to wipe away a tear. Perhaps administrator should add a new tag: morons. I don’t think “incompetent” covers it.
He’s kind of an a$$.
I think they’re both equally crazy.
I remember reading this when I was working at a hotel many years ago. It’s a work of fiction (snopes), but very funny!
“They get in my way”. Just getting them out of the way yourself would be less painful than the whole note exchange. What a dumbass
This is amusing, yes, but it’s also been around the internet for at least a decade.
I first saw this joke in 1995. It was written in 1972.
It would be funnier if it weren’t fake:
http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/soap.asp
This site is very entertaining, but the extra effort of spending fifteen seconds researching on the Internet to establish the veracity of these letters would do wonders.
They walk among us!
why did he not just leave a note on the bathroom counter? “No Soap Deliveries Please! I Have Brought My Own From Home!”
Then any maid in there would see it. Its not rocket science people….
Jeebus, You would need to write the note in Spanish and English to probably have an effect.
This series of email had me in STITCHES! Absolutely hilarious!
Seriously? I was thinking that this was an “actual letters from crazy people” type site, not a “let’s post stand up comedy routines from the early 70s” type of site.
Did you get this moldy old joke in an email forward from your aunt with all the cats and hummel figurines?
Definitely funny, but very old. I think I first read this almost 20 years ago.
Why didn’t the stupid moron just throw them away, he could do that instead of nagging and writing those stupid emails.
This guy deserved this. How hard is it to just move the soap they deliver out of the way.
simple solution: hang the “do not disturb” sign on your doorknob
you know, in case anyone else has this problem later on..?
Why not just throw all the soap he does not need in the garbage? Its not like he was being charged extra for the soap, and it seems silly to make a request such as this cause small bars of soap are in his way. Plus he’s not available during normal hours to rectify it. After the first request I would simply have started throwing it away.
I believe this was written by a Borscht Belter named Shelly Berman. I haven’t heard a whole lot of material by him, but what I have heard is awesome. Go look his stuff up.
This is comedy GOLD. I want to see this made into a short play.
That guy is kind of a dick.
Does common sense not occur to anyone anymore?!!? Dear Lord!
Shelley taught my comedy writing class at USC in the late ’90s. He was asked to read this routine at dept alumni events. Funny guy. He’s on Curb Your Enthusiasm now.
Well I have never read this before & I was dying laughing. Give the site some time to build its real catalog of letters for crying out loud!
hahaha this one has to be one of the funniest things i have ever herd happening to someone… my brother works at a hotel so he always brings home a free soap once in a while just because he cant afford the “BATH SIZED DOVE” haha but what ever floats your soap i guess!
OMG i have never LOL’d so much this is fucking hilarious, this guy is fucking insane its just soap for goodness sake and how did the maids take this shit i would of shoved those 54 bars of soap up his fucking arse complaining bastard!
Brilliant! ROFL
NO FAKE EMAILS!!!
Dont compromise the imtregrity of this website…if its fake…take it off.
What a moron. Tiny bars of soap take so much space it’s insane…dumbass.
Who cares if it’s fake? Do people verify that jokes are true before they laugh at them? This had me belly laughing.
This was hilarious…
I don’t know why everyone’s complaining about it being fake. The website is Emails from Crazy People…nothing mentions the people must be real.
LOL well thi sure made the last 15 min at work go by fast lol
this is hilarious! who cares if its fake! ROFL
Whether it is fake or not, I don’t care. The only thing I do care about is whether or not it makes me LOL. We can’t confirm whether or not most of the emails are fake so why bother?
Fake or not, my sides are hurting. Thanks. This is hilarious. I’ve never seen it before.
i was so sad to read the comments and find out this was fake.
hilarious either way though.
That was crazy and funny, lol
Less funny for being fake aside, if this were real I still wouldn’t find it funny because he just comes off like an annoying prick. It’s funny when someone responds to a bitchy and out-of-line homeowners notice with some sass, but harassing low-paid workers for doing their job is not even remotely funny.
Jesus Christ. What a clusterf*ck
(i’m also both deeply saddened that this was a falsified email chain, and surprised, as i’ve dealt with a great many of organizations and offices that are equally as retarded)
i don’t care if it’s fiction it’s fucking hilarious. literally tears running down my face i’m laughing so hard.
You’d think that a guy with this big a stick up his ass would find employment as a scarecrow…and then he would not need to stay in hotels and harang the staff.
OMG although you think it’s fake & it may well be I swear this is more a re-enactment of an account from someones’ friend or something, there are people like this….
I rekon the Monies on him having obsessive compulsive disorder and he washes his hands too much & therefore the less soap around the less he has to wash his hands… Silly me he has his own DIAL (wtf is a soap dial?) which is massive apparently, yeah you know what they say “Cleanliness is next to godliness”!
p.s. who the fuck imagined that being clean gets you closer to god ffs – god lovers are dillusional and it’s a fact that my uncle recently proved that people who believe god talks to them actually have the same chemical imbalance in the brain as psychophrenics!
“wtf is a soap dial”…
Dial is a brand of soap. been living under a rock? =]
also, i agree whole heartedly about the god lovers. ugh.
Just so you know, Dial is not a global brand. Those who live overseas may not have ever heard of it so it is completely understandable for them to not have heard of it.
Not everything revolves around the USA.
Dial IS an international brand, available in India, Qatar, Jordan, UAE, Israel, Mexico, Brazil, Spain, and several other countries I have visited.
Maybe it is in other countries. But since we out here don’t have America’s obsession with memorising brand names and using them as if they were regular nouns, the point stands.
lol the rest of the world doesn’t use soap.
Dial is a brand of soap. And if you’re so close to your uncle, make sure he gives you the correct pronunciation of “schizophrenic.” GIYF.
Just to help you out a bit, while I agree with you on most points there is some confusion on your part. It is not a soap dial. It is a brand of soap called Dial soap. and now you know.
there are many things wrong with your post.
1) Schizophrenics, not psychophrenics
2) Not all people that believe in god can be “proven” schizophrenics, only the ones who think god talks to them are.
3) “Cleanliness is next to godliness” does not imply that being clean brings you closer to god, it is most likely a phrase created in a heavily religious place to encourage its citizens to bathe and keep clean as often as possible so the place they live can be pleasant.
4) the topic of these messages isn’t about a guy who washes too often, they’re about a guy who was left too much soap he didn’t want, and when they removed the soap from his room, they took the soap he bought, and the level of service that he received from the hotel he was at was unsatisfactory.
That was the funniest shit ever!!!! Can just picture it…all these little piles of soap everywhere…lmmfao@the moment of chaos….I know its a fake story….but I’m sure its happened….lmao…i had tears rolling hahhahaaaaa….good story!
From the Shelley Berman website, following this exchange:
“The above dialogue never actually took place in any hotel anywhere in the world. It is an intentionally composed humorous fiction and is entirely the creation of Shelley Berman, written as a chapter in his book, published as A HOTEL IS A PLACE, A HOTEL IS A FUNNY PLACE, and A HOTEL IS A VERY FUNNY PLACE, by Price/Stern/Sloan Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 1972, 1985. Any claim to the contrary is utterly baseless and erroneous.”
It’s too bad this is false. I laughed so much XD
“Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?”
and
“One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.”
are definitely my favorite quotes of the whole thing.
I kept reading “Berman” as “Bateman.” Does anyone else see an American Psycho sorta thing going on here?
Just throw the bars of soap in the fucking trash, jeesh…
I wish this was real.
*steals comp soap*
doesn’t say it was an email. probably just a note left in the room to the maid. not all the stuff here is emails.@Bob
Oh, man, that takes me back… *Sighs wistfully*
My mum used to work as a secretary, and back then, they’d fax funny things from office to office (this being many decades ago), and occasionally she’d bring a particularly funny one home with her for me.
This was one of them. It was probably the early Eighties the last time I saw it. It’s so weird to see “2009″ at the top of it; it’s like some crazy space email or something to me now lol. I look at it and remember what the world was like back then, and how very, very far off even the Year 2000 seemed… Wow.
Talk about a Golden Oldie! XD
My favourite part is the “Why are you doing this to me?” Dude just sounds so miserable.