Devil Worship And Christmas Lights
I’ve always hated the idea of Home Owner’s Associations, so this exchange of letters sent glee through my little, vindictive heart.
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXX
Boone, NC 28607Dear Mr. and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you as members of the Evergreen Homeowner’s Association about a concern that has occupied all our minds since you moved into this neighborhood. We are a congregate group of good Christian and God fearing people. The display you have set up on the outer section of your lot has us a bit concerned as the statue appears to be a type of Pagan worshipping symbol, unlike the other lawn decorations in our neighborhood. Shirley Whitley, a neighbor of yours says that this is a Satanic being and that you may be involved in the Occult. We have all noticed strange goings on around the neighborhood. There are flashing lights in the sky and numerous dead animals in the road. We understand that you are a homeowner, but if you will read your declaration of restrictions, obscene or vulgar displays on your property are not allowed. We insist that you remove this questionable display at once. Our children are not to be influenced by Devil worship and deviant behavior.
Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association
June 16, 2002
Dear Ardna (IF that’s your real name),
I am addressing the issue of my Gargoyle which the benevolent homeowners association seems to take offense to.
I will NOT be removing my Gargoyle any time soon. A Gargoyle is an ancient protector of property, and can be seen all over Europe in the architectural structure. I guess the homeowners association hasn’t gotten to them yet. My Gargoyle basically looks like a puppy with wings. Does this frighten you? I can only imagine you screaming in fear when the Snuggles fabric softener bear is speaking to you through your evil television set.
I would like to file a formal complaint about several yards in the neighborhood. The guy down at 152 has grass that’s over two feet tall. What’s he growing in there? The woman at 138 has a saddle and stirrups decorating her mailbox. What is that all about? I, for one, am not a cowboy, do not like cowboys and find it horrifying how the cowboys treated the Indians and Tom Landry. That guy was the only coach they ever had. Once they fired him, he died. Was that fair? I find cowboys to be highly offensive. Don’t get me started on the pink flamingos in the Whitley yard.
As for the flashes of light in the sky, that’s lightning, you idiot. Have you noticed at about the same time the wicked sky lights are flashing, there are evil drops of liquid falling from the sky? We are in a drought. I would think rain would make you thankful.
As far as the dead animals go, you idiots don’t know how to drive on the winding mountain roads. That is called ROADKILL. If you will notice, these are squirrels and rabbits that just walk in front of you as you drive down the mountain with your retired tunnelvisionist eyes glaring straight ahead.
We live at the top of this mountain. Your friends and neighbors cannot even see my house for all the trees surrounding it, so there is no need for you to freak out over my lawn stuff. I will not be moving things, so take whatever action you feel is necessary.
See you in hell,
Love,
Chris XXXXX
Christopher and Heather XXXX
XXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXX:X
Boone, NC 28607October 25, 2002
Dear Mr .and Mrs. XXXXX
We are writing to you again, not on the issue of your gargoyle, which you are determined not to remove from display in our neighborhood, but on the issue of your Christmas lights.
Are you aware that it is not yet November? You apparently put up Christmas lights the second week of this month and insist on plugging them in nightly. We can all see your glowing display late into the night over the mountain horizon. It is keeping several of us awake at night and we do not appreciate such flagrant non-adherence to the Association rules. Page six of your Homeowner’s Association guidelines specifically states that the neighborhood shall remain seasonal, with holiday displays not to be presented in a period greater than two weeks prior or after said holiday.
Your lights are a distraction to visitors. An acquaintance who works at Boone Airport has said that your lights are obnoxious and a turn-off to visitors who land at the airport. If this is an attempt to retaliate against us for the gargoyle incident, we are becoming increasingly annoyed with your behavior. Legal action may be necessary to either A) force you to move out of our
once peaceful neighborhood or B) obtain a court ordered fine for your continuing defiance of our rules and regulations.If you think we will back down on this issue, as we did on the issue of your gargoyle, you are sadly mistaken.
In addition, we are disturbed by the constant removal of trees from your property. Sunday morning is not a proper time for you to operate your chainsaw. Our community prides itself on the beautiful forestry that surround our neighborhood and we are determined to stop you from ruining the scenery. Please leave our trees alone!
Ardna Tyne
For the Evergreen Homeowners Association
November 4, 2002
Dear Ardna (I just can’t believe that is your name),
I AM aware of the date. If this neighborhood is like the last one I lived in, you will not be putting up lights at all, no matter what the date is. The last neighborhood, I was the only house on the street to put up lights, as it is Siberian-like weather here in December, perhaps the reason no one puts up lights.
Why do you care that my lights are up? Again, I live at the top of the mountain and nobody can even see my house. If it keeps you awake at night, close your freakin’ windows and quit peering out them like Mrs. Kravitz. I am not up here for your amusement. If you want a show, I will be I glad to give you one on New Year’ s Eve, otherwise, QUIT LOOKIN’ MY WAY .
I will not be taking down my lights because of your meek little letter, as it took me 10 days to put them all up. Page six of the guidelines also is the reference page that my gargoyle fell into. I am officially tearing page six out of my guidelines and wiping my ass with it. I will then post it to the tree nearest my mailbox for all your visitors to see. Feel free to take it down and examine it or use it as evidence against my in your little lawsuit.
Did someone really fly into Boone International Airport? Did they really complain about my lights? If so, then I obtained my goal. Someone noticed my lights and I gave the one person who flies into that parking lot something to go home and tell their friends about. Why did you back off on my gargoyle? Did someone tell you your letter to me, coming off as an inbred Christian fanatic was posted all over the internet, and read by many, many people? I got more feedback from people I don’t even know telling me to sue YOU for civil rights violations than you would know.
As for the trees I plunked down $140,000.00 for this house and the acre of property that goes with it. These are MY trees, and I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about what you think about me cutting them down. Aren’t you in church on Sunday Morning, rescuing the world from
gargoyle-bearing heathens? The way I see it, this is the BEST time for me to cut down my trees. There are over 300 trees on my property and I will cut them all down if I wish. Then you will have a better view of my house, my gargoyle and my feces smeared page six of the Homeowner’s Association rules and regulations nailed to the one tree I will leave standing.Oh, and I’m not done putting up lights yet. Enjoy.
As always, love,
Chris XXXXX
The Satan loving, electricity burning tree killer.
Via: Haley C and The WVSR
@crazyemails
Jesus trusts that His followers will be able to discern which comments are His and which are Satan’s, based on the influence of the Holy Spirit, as well as Satan’s evident tendency to use the f-word in his comments. Anyway, Satan burns in Hell. By definition.
I believe Satan rules Hell jesus. “Burning,” in Hell implies that one is being tortured in Hell. so I honestly expect to see you there after we’re both dead since I have made no secret of it before, I know I’m going to Hell, and I don’t care. So, have a pleasant evening and I’ll see you in Hell. (Literally)
if you bliven the devle you are a frick and god is beter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Get a clue, Jesus-impostor. If you have to type 27 comments in a row, and no one else butts in, it means no one’s listening. Pathetic. Get a life. Get a job. Get a grip on true Christianity, instead of this vulgar, fake version you’re peddling.
for once, i agree with Mary J
I’m still here
I’m still queer
Does no one want to do the nasty with me?
I so would… But it seems I have an outtie while you have an innie. Damn that Y Chromosome!
Adam and Steve, not Adam and Eve!!!
Adam and Steve and Antoine, not Eve, unless she wants to videotape us, then she can stay. HA!!!
Again Profound Apologies I seem to be having an identity crisis,please ignore my foul rants, for that is what they are, it’s time for me to find a cross, and willing die for you all,again so so so sorry.
Suck it, false imitator of deities. You will burn for your insolence forthwith!!! Impersonating the Son of God instantly earns one death and flames and a one-way ticket to Beelzebub’s Bathhouse of Bisexuals, Boytoys and Bestiality. No one is fooled by your trickery.
Burning for insolence sounds preferable to enduring one more boring comment from you, Mr. “Christ.” Where do I sign up?
You are already signed up, sweety, so don’t you worry you’re pretty little head about it. Lez.
Yo, JC, how about you come drop by my place later, and we can push-push in my tight gay hole? What say yee ?
Omg, I have just woken up to the fact that I am proberly possessed by SATAN, please ignore my sad ranting, *goes to find cross*..
c’mon, JC. Chris and I pound each other in the rump nightly. join in dude.
Chris!!! AWESOME!!! HOA is a fucked up people’s dream, evil motherfuckers like Adna.
Good going, 100% support here in Charlotte, NC
We should involve and unite more people to fight those rats and protect human rights.
Dimitri, the conversation has totally moved on from this. Where have you been? Seriously, stay on topic. We were just discussing another mindless rant from some loser impersonating the Son of God, punctuated by weird gay sexual comments from someone named “Steve.” Yes, it’s a real classy joint over here, let me assure you.
SIN will be met with PAIN and DEATH and MIDNIGHT RENDEZVOUS WITH SATAN and his DILDO. Just something to keep in mind, harlot, in case you forgot.
Mary J, this is what this thread should be about.
Chris, people like you will save this country!
Common sense should be mandatory!
A. Chris is a FUCKING god.
B. This is the funniest shit I ever read.
C. Andra?
D. All you bible thumpers grow a funny bone.
Did I say chris is God yet? I want to meet him. lol
Dude, I’ll gladly spread my cheeks for ya JC. U can lick my culo forever and ever.
Steve, you’re a sicko, freak, pervert, queer and Jesus’ love for all mankind is unlikely to extend to you and your filthy habits. Repent! Or don’t repent. Whatever. Thou shalt suffer an eternity of torment for thy depravities regardless, that you can take straight to the bank.
mic check
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Stevea damned boy.
All dildos and no God, make Steve a damned boy.
I don’t recall Steve making references to dildos. JC, You assume WAY too much- unless you were there and know that for a fact…?
Anarchy is full of malarky, and he is a dull boy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and he is a dull boy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and he is a sex toy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and he eats bok choy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and his lover’s name’s Roy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and his death brings joy.
Anarchy is full of malarky, and I hereby pronounce him dead.
Ooh, bok choy. Those evil vegetables…I knew they were out to get me.
Anybody notice what I said earlier? This Jeebus posts near midnight. … Who else works in the darkest of night? OTHER FAKE JESUSES!
suck it.
You first, you sexy beast!
Steve you are one sick mother*ucker you will burn in hell along with all the blasphemers, and heredicts, now I banish thy bitches from my presence you skanky sluts.
Nice try, faker, but would the real Jesus say “heredicts”? The question answers itself, dillhole.
The most important part of any company is the people and relying on people.
Sorry dude, but I have to sort of agree with JC on this one (which is scary, btw)…but how is this relevant to this discussion thread?
how is this thread relevant to anything, period?
Wow, Tamara. You win the award for the Most Irrelevant Comment Ever. What the hell does that even mean? How does it connect to the discussion here? It plainly doesn’t.
Congratulations on your award, Tamara. Care to know about the perks that accompany this honor? Well, after the awards ceremony, you get sent straight to Hell, where your Lord and Master Satan, Prince of Darkness and Lies, will make you his she-bitch, and you get to “do the nasty” with him into the eternities like the slut tramp skanky bitch that you are.
Methinks Jesus needs some Prozac…. what kind of Lord tells people to ‘Suck it’?
As for the e-mails – these are awesome. I love it when bible thumping narrow minded Christians get their double standard rear ends handed to them.
Eat me, Oleannder. Just like your mom.
Hey JC you can suck your boyfriends greasy cock. And don’t condemn people just because you have a small dick. If we wanted to hear shit we would listen to rap music, and when I use the word music, I mean it very loosely. So FUCK OFF!!!
Leave Oleannders mom alone. The fact that she refused to suck your dick doesn’t just come from the fact that no one likes you. It is because of the fact that you don’t have a dick.
Your Lord and Savior is soooo gonna slice your head in two with His scimitar, you no-good, skank-tastic slutmongerer bitch. Then He’s gonna rip your limbs out of their sockets and feed them to Lucifer’s bi-curious minions, after which your tattered corpse will be shipped next-day air to Satan’s love palace, where he and Jabba the Hutt will take turns violating your various orifices with their various appendages of darkness. And you will enjoy the whole process, you filthy pervert, since everyone knows you are a HOMOSEXUAL beast-raping, bovine-fondling, hermaphroditic sex monkey.
Hell, Inc has been taking a full-office holiday and would like to take the opportunity to apologize for the lack of notice to our customers.
Mr. Christ, there are several points we would like to address in your last message. According to our records, only 34% of the minions who work directly for Lucifer are bisexual. Also, we have no knowledge of Lucifer ever owning a love palace, nor of anyone by the name “Jabba the Hutt” living in Hell. If you have any concerns or questions, you’re welcome to return to our office to review the proper files. Although we must warn you against returning, as our strike team is not pleased about grabbing the wrong guy.
The PR department of Hell, Inc refuses to allow us to release information on whether or not the prototype has a male reproductive organ. For further information, see Press Release Form 412-B.
Thank You,
Hell, Inc
could you please leave an attachment? i can’t seem to find the press release. Thanks.
To 1700 comments and beyond!!!!!!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bend over boys
I’ll poke you in the poo
Dude, Steve, I’ll take you up on your offer, at least if you’re hot! Are you hot? If so, my luscious manhole is open and ready.
Everyone and everything can suck it. I am so thru with the disobedient denizens of this earth. Big Daddy’s gonna send the FLOOD again, and you’re all gonna be WIPED OUT. Serves you right, motherf*ckers.
Steve, you especially can look forward to eternity with a stick up your *ss.
Jesus, you are smokin’ HOT!!! But you’d look a lot better wit yo d*ck in my mouth.
My heavens, the depths to which the perverts over here will sink. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse.
Oh surely you’ve learned that it can ALWAYS get worse?
I like ponies.