At Least They’re Not On The Internet
KB writes: Three days after my boyfriend started working, he finds this is his inbox. Where did Bob get his email address? Who knows. Oddly enough, this email isn’t surprising when you understand Bob.
Good Morning Friend!
I know we just recently started working together, but I feel we have a real connection and that you are trustworthy. It was destiny that brought us to the same Burger Joint, are you willing to ignore destiny? If you do not wish to be a part of a great undertaking, DELETE this email NOW and do not read further; once these simple words are read your mind will be blown and forever changed. I have a feeling you can handle it, but it wouldn’t be fair to you if I didn’t give you the choice…
Note from the Fairness Editor: we too feel we must give you the choice. Can you handle it?
I have been thinking for years about this and feel that now is the time for action. Have you ever noticed that as time goes by, Zombie movies have become more and more realistic? There are also various Zombie games, both the movies and these games never have a shortage of new Zombie ideas or concepts. This is but an idicator of what is really going on. The truth of the matter is, there are real, live Zombies walking among us, this is why Zombie movies seem more and more plausible these days. How would we have such an expansive knowledge of these beings unless they truly existed? For some unknown reason, (perhaps the government has something to do with this) the public has been fooled, but I am aware of the truth…
Note from the Crazy Identification Editor: being “aware of the truth” is a 88.5% indicator of crazy.
I have suspected this since the early 80’s, but have kept quiet in fear of stumbling over some type of conspiracy and then “disappearing.” The reason I choose to speak up now is because things are progressing behind closed doors. I believe, and have a considerable amount of proof, that some of these Zombies are in power positions…
If you look into the eyes of a Zombie, there is nothing beyond a black, meaningless hole. I don’t know why I was blessed with the ability to tell the difference, but I will use it well. There are other ways to tell, just look at all the illogical decisions “people” make these days. It appears that people are getting more stupid as time progresses. These aren’t stupid people, they are smart Zombies…
I know this is a startling concept, and I wish I was wrong, but sadly I am correct. I have given up my wife, house, and career so that I can sniff out these bastards and defend the public’s honor- and now I am asking you to join me in this hunt…
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why would he give all this information out over an email?”
Note from the What I’m Thinking Editor: that’s not what I was thinking.
I have a few reasons for this. The first is that I have a feeling a few people at work may be a part of the undead army,
Note from the Workplace Issues Editor: this is not crazy at all. It is generally true.
naturally they can’t know that we know. The second is these Zombies, while smart, still take a while to grasp new concepts, so I’m sure they aren’t on the internet yet. We’re safe for now.
Note from the Zombie Editor: O RLY?
I should mention, I don’t have a plan quite yet, that is why I am looking for a partner to help with this situation. I trust that you have the decency to help a man in need, so you could come to my house on Saturday (around 8?) and I will fill you in on the rest. We have files to review.
Sincerely,
Bob.
Submitted by: KB
@crazyemails
The best part of this email is the fact that Bob probably has a lot of real evidence documenting the steady decline in the intelligence of the average citizen of the western world, and the various instances of ”zombification” of our populous over time, and yet has taken his cumulative efforts, and actual truth, and skewed it in the most ridiculous of manners. Awesome job Bob!
Oh bob! Had only you chosen me to help you in your Zombie quest! I would have risen valiantly to your side to help you vanquish the brain eating fiends…
….and then I would have laughed at you….. Laughed for a long…long time.
The really sad part is that he truly BELIEVES this….
Oh, but he does. They have “files to review”… why do I get the feeling there are many indexed, manilla files, with paperclipped photographs in suspension files, in cabinets all over his lounge…
all he wanted to do was get that ladies boyfriend over to his house and f*** his brains out. I hope he didn’t fall for it…
I think I dated this guy.
Dear Bob: I BELIEVE YOU. PLEASE E-MAIL ME AT admission@sunnyvillehospital.com AND WE WILL ATTACK AT DAWN. I HAVE STUDIED THIS AT LENGTH AND HAVE BUILT AN IMPENETRABLE FORTRESS (with padded walls!) PLEASE JOIN ME.
“you stare into their eyes and just see a blackness….” OH RLY??? This is why i try not to socialize at dead end or part-time jobs….
Wow. I think I would’ve gone over just to get the sequel…
*snickers* and this is why I live with a necromancer…
Scarily enough I jump to the next possible scenario . . . this deranged individual may actually resorts to bringing a shotgun to work to eradicate “the zombies”. Is no one else thinking this? Seriously the original recipient of this email may want to go over to “look at the files” just to evaluate whether Bob is completely unstable and armed.
I want a shirt that says, “I have a feeling a few people at work may be a part of the undead army…”
Love that line.
if you ever find or make one… i want one too.
I want one that says: “They’re not stupid people, they’re smart zombies….”
Oh my hell! It makes so much sense! There are no stupid people…only smart zombies! The zombie survival guide said nothing about this! Ha, just kidding. Scary thing is, if this guy is serious, he could go off the deep end and start shooting stupid people in the head.
I don’t know if that is a scary thought, or a happy one….fewer stupid people, or fewer smart zombies…either way, Win!
This is why lawmakers are dragging their feet on health care reform. Forcing the general public into the health care system would undoubtedly expose the hordes of the unliving among us. Don’t blame republicans or democrats, both are just seperate branches of the same zombie conspiracy!
He’s right – they’re called “Republicans.”
As a republican zombie, it seems there is only one guy onto us. So we zombies will continue to do our zombie thing, stealing your left socks from the dryer, eating the last cookie, and cornering the market for all the dead end jobs. Bwahahahaha!!
Hes right, theyre called liberals! *coughs and points above* I felt is was only fair… I mean you dont see republicans and conservatives chanting “change change change… yes we can.”
I find it funny though that Bob did this in emails… what if his new trusted ally got a look in the recipients eyes and saw cold dark emptiness? xD Itd be like the ending of the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers… lol
I feel rather strongly that zombies in the workplace would not go unnoticed for more than a week. I mean, the complaints to HR about the smell of rotting flesh and the brain-eating would surely alert someone.
Not at some of the fastfood chains i’ve seen
lol, didn’t this guy say “I have given up my wife, house, and career so that I can sniff out these bastards and defend the public’s honor- and now I am asking you to join me in this hunt…”
But he tells the recipient to meet him at his house??
I’m so confused.
being aware of the truth equals craziness 88 percent of the time?
This guy may be insane but that little note kind of makes you sound like a moron and a nutjob yourself
No, being “THE ONLY ONe aware of the ReALL TRUTH” makes you crazy 88% of the time.
These aren’t stupid people, they are smart Zombies…
This is my new fav quote EVER!!!
Can anyone PLEASE make a T-SHIRT WITH THIS!?
Hell I’D TATTO IN THIS !!!
I am so disappointed that no coworker ever invited me to become part of his zombie-fighting force. The most I ever got was an invitation to church. Poop!