You’re a what guy?
Kerrie writes: found this in my inbox from a guy on a dating website…aside from the horrible amount of run-on sentences, it starts out decently but turns creepy in a matter of a minute. why the HELL would i ever email him back? i mean…who DOES this? did he think this was going to turn me on? (and btw, maybe he wrote the last sentence twice so i could get the hint?)
Hey there how are you so apparently [website] thinks that we would be a good match so I’d like to get to know you I want to say that I am not here to play games and I know what I want in a woman so I am going to write what I want and if it sounds like you and if you like my profile too then message me back and we will take it from there have a nice day and thanks for reading this and taking the time out of your day to do so I hope to hear from you soon. I want a nice down to earth sweet faithful smart girl who can keep up with me in a conversation I want someone I can finally be proud to take home to my parents and family and someone who will sit down with them to eat and actually talk to them I want someone also that understands that even though I am a nice guy I do have my needs and honestly I have a very high sex drive so I want a girl who doesn’t mind doing stuff in a committed relationship and can keep up with me when we are in bed last I don’t care about looks but I am a major major butt guy so I want a girl with a nice butt who doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked last I don’t care about looks but I am a major major butt guy so I want a girl with a nice butt who doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked
Submitted by: Marion
It’s as though Ward Cleaver (recently separated from June) wrote the first few sentences, and his buddy Andrew Dice Clay sat down to finish off the message for him. “Look, Wardy, get to the point, stop beatin’ around the bush. Here . . . ”
@crazyemails
I’m sure he would have finally found a girl to take home to his parents if he would have ended a sentence sooner. Poor women probably can’t get a word in with him.
RUFF BUTT YELP YELP BUTT RUFF GGGGRRRRRRR BUTT WOOOOFFFFFFF BAARRRRKKKKK
*slaps Lassie with a newspaper* Go Home, Lassie! This isn’t about dogs. It’s about DAWGS.
Thanks…she was really starting to annoy me.
GGRRRR Woof RIMMY’S INA TWUBLE..
*swats you with nat geo magazine*
Well, you can’t blame Lassie for joining in. Looks like there was enough leg humping to go around, y ‘know?
I take it all prior ladies taken to Mom and Pop Butt Guy’s house ate standing up?
*like*
Or standing on their heads.
How much do you want to bet they’ll serve rump roast for dinner?
LOL.
Yeah, I thought the first part was “ok, bad grammar, but sounds like a nice guy, cares what his parents think” THEN I got to the “butt butt butt butt butt” part. Um, no.
“THEN I got to the ‘butt butt butt butt butt’ part. Um, no.”
Then I got to that comment and spewed coke out of my nose. (Um, OWWWWW!)
Oh my good god, rofl…
he’s not beating around the bush, clearly. he’s a butt guy.
LMAO!!
She’d have an easier time keeping up with him in conversation if the guy ended a sentence once in a while. Dude needs to lay off the chocolate-covered espresso beans.
aren’t those the one’s from monkey butts?
he’s going for that e.e. cummings look where there is no punctuation and sentences never end it’s just an entire post where it sounds like he’s rambling but you have to know where things end because otherwise you get lost if you’re not paying attention. Oooooh…. that was a punctuation-FAIL.
How many times does one need to scrupulously examine someone’s butt to make sure it’s nice? Has he been fooled in the past by someone wearing a prosthetic ass?
John Cleese (reading newspaper): “Nixon’s had an asshole transplant!” Michael Palin: “You seen the stop press, then?” John Cleese: “No..?” Michael Palin: “The asshole’s rejected him.”
Is the lack of punctuation the result of him being such a man with a high sex drive? He’s so manly, he doesn’t even need a period in his sentences!
Who needs a period? That’s why we have the word “and”.
i think it is soooo manly when a man doesnt use commas!! sigh!
Only women have periods.
ba dum tsh
According to Alice Cooper…only women bleed
I couldn’t keep up with him in conversation, as I like to use punctuation. Plus, I never made it past Sargent Major butt guy.
eggomania, your comment requires viewing of this classic clip
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-1C6QlvHl8
alright, I LOLd pretty hard. I’d never seen that before!
ROFL-ROFL-ROFL-ROFL
Whenever I read “I have a very high sex drive” it probably means “I’m desperate for any kind of physical contact” and the emphatic butt fetish is from watching waaaaay too many years of porn. Probably in his parents’ basement.
How is it possible to watch too many years of porn? Much less wayyyy too many? Either way, girls’ butts are a pretty normal thing for a guy to like.
He probably wrote it from his parents’ basement.
Hmm… Now I see why so many women wonder where the good guys are. Someone who appears to be barely literate gets right to the point about sex very quickly and throws in the stuff about “must have a nice ass” to boot (no pun intended. Well, maybe a pun intended).
Reminds me of my wife telling me of a blind date she once had. First (and last) date with a guy she didn’t know, and he tells her, “I like to f–k a woman from behind and tell her how nice her ass looks.” Who knows, could be the same guy?
LOL. And she didn’t grab him up right away???
Not the creepiest I’ve seen, but I must say it’s rather impressive that he managed to impart all that information in a mere 2 sentences.
Technically it’s only one sentence. He never “ended” the second tangent with a period…
i could keep up with you, but i would have to take a breath every now and then, so I don’t think we’re going to be compatible.
I think it could be a good thing that he doesn’t need to breathe
Anybody who says they don’t play games, usually describe all the normal people in their past that couldn’t put up with their shit as “he/she played head games”. I take it to mean not that they don’t play games, but they don’t like to lose games. So this one lost me before he even got to the creepy part.
Perfect response: “sob. I’m so sorry you brought up all the pain, but I was in an accident in the past that left my butt disfigured. wail. Please don’t contact me again, as it’s all too painful to relive.”
I read this out loud but now I’m dizzy and have to go lay down. **INHALE***
“I am a major major butt guy so I want a girl with a nice butt who doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked”
That’s the most frightening sentence ever.
People like that creep me out. How do you go from “Hi, how are you” to “I want someone with a nice ass”? And who writes an entire paragraph without a period. Did he reread that email before he sent it and thought it was ok? Seriously?!
Still trying to figure out how he can be not into looks but still requires a nice ass.
Oh, I got it! Tactile, right? He doesn’t care what your ass looks like, but it must feel awesome, right? That’s gotta be it, because if you rule out sight and touch we’re left with sound, smell and taste.
“I am a major major butt guy”
There is one extra word in this sentence, and it ain’t “major”…
Well he doesn’t care about your face because hes going to looking at your butt the whole time. lol
Do his parents know what he likes to do to girls’ butts? *shudder*
Um, probably not any more than yours know about what you get up to in your own sex life.
Seriously, when it comes to creepy emails from dating sites, this doesn’t even register. It’s a bit crude to be sure, and would certainly be a turnoff to most, but I’ve had female friends forward me some stuff they’ve received that makes this look like Sunday school.
I agree – sadly, this is one of the least offensive examples of dating site emails I’ve gotten.
Now if we had crazy IMs, I would love to submit my first ever IM from a dating site:
“Would you like it if I pooped and peed in your mouth?” Definitely *not* an opener.
I once got a message from a guy on a dating site. All it said was “here” and there was a close up pic of his penis (I assume it was his) at the end of it.
Here’s an example of someone who probably has never had a real girlfriend in his life. Unfortunately it takes some people a long time to figure out what should be shared and when you should say it. Hey if you like a nice butt and have a high sex drive, that’s great. Try maybe bringing that up a bit later in the relationship. Not before the relationship has even begun.
Why do I get the feeling that this guy used to get off on the Burger King “Square Butts” commercial?
I’ve been on a couple of internet dating sites recently and, sad to say, this message is not too far off from many I received. Needless to say, I’m done with internet dating sites and have opted for hoping that maybe someday I’ll magically cross paths with Mr. Right.
RUFFF BUTTT WOOOOOFFFFFFF
I’ve used dating sites (why we are told that’s where you find the good ones I have no idea lol) and this is nowhere close to being the strangest email I’ve received. I’d say it’s pretty standard actually….and I’ve had worse! Actually, I was once offered money on a first date for sexual favors. Obviously, there was not a second date
It’s really not “obvious” to me as to why wouldn’t you go for the second date. Did he say it was a one time offer and after the first date he wanted the favors GRATIS???
Assuming that your date is cool with prostitution is probably not the best idea in most circumstances. Unless of course your “date” is actually a prostitute in which case $50 might be a fair amount for the services he requested.
I love that he’s so into getting what he wants, he fails to mention one single thing he brings to the table (”very high sex drive” doesn’t count) that would cause someone to give him a moment’s thought. Dude, watch Hitch. Take notes.
Hitch? Seriously?
Yea seriously…Hitch? Do you get all your dating advice from movies? Or do you take half from movies, and half from the plot (lol) of porn movies?
I certainly don’t think I could keep w/ him in a conversation.
I wonder how one ‘proves’ they have a good butt. I always thought it was self-evident…
Guys, I looked this up in the Butt Guy to English dictionary – “doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked” means “at our first meeting, you will be asked to pull down your pants and show me your butt.”
Your name is a WIN!!! I am going home to write a fairy tale, right now!
She ran out of here at the stroke of twelve… leaving behind only this glass thong….
Bet Butt Guy was wanking while writing this.
Big time pervert either way.
o_0
Buttsecks in 5…4….3….2….1…..
Meh, compared to everything else on this site, this is tame. I’ve gotten way worse.
So much for girls claiming they want honesty.
if this guy wasn’t honest, he might have actually fooled someone to go on a date with him before proving himself to be a socially inept butthead (i think that’s a super-appropriate term for him). so in this case his honesty is a win for women.
No no no, we Do want honesty! That way we can avoid creepy weird guys!!
eeep…so you’re saying all guys secretly feel like this, but Butt Guy was the only one willing to be honest?
Wow- I have written personal ads WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY worse than that!!! HolyFREAKINGgod!
The guy knows what he wants. Nothing wrong with that. It sounds like he doesn’t want someone who is sexually repressed.
Maybe you shouldn’t write back.
So what are you waiting for? SHARE!!
The best part about this is the lack of punctuation. It makes it feel like he said this all in one breath! Someone ought to voice-record this done that way!
This man has an amazing talent…for putting into a giant run-on paragraph info that most of us could have put into one or two compound sentences. I bet he can also take 5 minutes to answer a yes or no question.
If you read it in tune to Savage Garden’s “I Want You” this is all the worse.
I thought the Micro Machines guy was married already. But(t)…
So much for Christianity
Sorry dude, wrong thread.
“I am a major major butt guy so I want a girl with a nice butt who doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked”
Dear ButtMan:
You’re looking for a hooker. Good luck on that family dinner.
LOL!!!
See these things are like spam e-mails… SOMEBODY is responding or they’d have to stop!
Aside from teh run-on sentence/lack of punctuation, this guy is being honest about what eh wants. Appropriate response is “Not interested.” if you’re not interested. I don’t see what’s crazy about it. To me “doesn’t play games” means that he doesn’t play around with”not revealing too much too soon”. He states what he wants and what his terms are up front and I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that he wants his potential GF to do the same.
Not crazy IMO. If you can’t handle this kind of honesty then you’re not compatible, but it doesn’t make him a loser.
ADHD?
Let’s face it, most guys find a nice butt attractive and each of us has our own ideas
And there are a fair few women out there who have the same ideas and desires
The reason this guy FAILED is that there is a time and a place for everything and courtship takes time
that, and sentence composition takes a marginal amount of skill and effort, which this guy apparently did not have.
I don’t see whats so bad about this guy. Aside from not knowing what a period is, he wants what he wants. Its not really THAT bad. His requests and desires are normal.
Well, I suppose it’s perfectly natural to want what you want, but I believe the issue comes when he also says, “… who doesn’t mind proving [she has a nice butt] to me when asked….” Maybe I’m just a great big prude, but any man who said (or emailed) that to me would be immediately relegated to the ranks of “I don’t know you. Ever.”
This guy could maybe have gotten away with
“I don’t care about looks but I am a major major butt guy so I want a girl with a nice butt…”
That’s a little blunt but not too bad.
It’s the last part
“…who doesn’t mind proving it to me when asked”
that pushes him over the edge.
Sir Mix-a-lot?
To recap, this guy is looking for a woman who:
1. Will talk to his parents
2. Puts out
3. Has a nice butt
Yeah, those are deep character traits. This guy has obviously given this a lot of thought. I’m sure things will work out with whomever he happens to pick up first.
I have seen a lot of these types of messages. It’s not crazy, it’s a mix of scammer grammar, and broken English. A bunch of Nigerian scam artists, (the same guys that write up the 419 scam emails), have invaded the dating web sites.
The run-on sentences are product of coping/pasting catch phrases they find most often in other peoples profiles.
As for the second half, with all the butt references, I’ve never seen before. The guy is probably add libbing in his own genuine interests.
oh jeez, I’ve gotten this same email before! D: It’s awful….