I Was Hoping For Dinner and a Movie
So you post a personals ad, looking for a date and maybe some hand-holding. Then you find your inbox infected with these. On behalf of the interwebs, I apologize.
hey whats up I saw you on craigslist
My name is Isaac, and I have a proposal for you. I just wanted to know if this is something that you would be open minded to do. It’s a complete shot in the dark but I thought I could ask anyways. what the hell you only live once.
I was wondering if you would be possibly open to rip farts on my head/face? I have a fetish where I actually get turned on hearing a guy or girl fart. It’s just a weird fetish that I’ve had my entire life. When i was a teenager i wrestled a lot, and my friends used to rip ass a lot and thats how it all started. My ex girl used to fart as well and that turned me on too.
I’m a real chill and down to earth guy. I’m only 25 years old, white.. I’m a pothead and stoner, completely harmless bro. im a real nice and honest guy. just trying to find someone who can fulfill my fetish.
I would be down to give you cash upfront if this is something you think you would be down to do. How much would you want? Do you fart a lot?
This isn’t anything sexual. . I just want your farts. im mostly str8, i dont talk or act gay, im one of those guys you can have a beer with. this is 100% serious and real. i just want to meet up and chill out.
i could easily get a hotel room near you, and we can chill out there, smoke, watch tv or a movie and whenever you gotta rip ass you just fart on my face thats it. its fn hard to find someone who farts a lot. i would be willing to do whatever it takes to make this happen. i want to make sure your comfortable as possible as well.
i know it would be weird at first but once you get to know i dont think you will have a problem at all. i wouldnt want you to feel uncomfortable im too nice of a guy.
Please let me know if are interested. I have a pic I can send you. If your offended or not interested, thats no problem dude. Like I said it was a short in the dark. But if you fart a lot and want to make some money then I think it’s something you should definately consider. and dude if you fart a lot then we can easily do this like 2-3 times a month so if you need some recurring incomes then this would be perfect for you.
im actually mostly str8, love women. i dont associate myself with even being gay, i dont talk or act gay or anything. im pretty much a regular guy. except for the fact i got a weird fetish and i can get turned on hearing a girl or guy fart. thats ;pretty much it.
please let me know if your down for this and i can send you some pics.
Peace bro!
Submitted by: TM
And then this one comes along:
Hows it goin? Names Jon,Just moved to Portland and a tad bored,Im 21,Tattoo artist,Vegetarian and Straight edge,live downtown attempting to find someone sexually like minded(NOT SLUTTY) to talk/maybe hang out with eventually and experiment,Your pictures were very cute if i may say without sounding to creepy(even though this message in itself is strange ha:)). Not looking for a random hookup nor any sketchy women…Just a down to earth open minded woman to talk to who can hold herself in a conversation.Looking for someone into/open to incestual roleplay,Toiletplay,Public,Degredation,Throatjobs and anything vile or strange.
I mean NO disrespect by this message what-so-ever if you have a boyfriend or are just not interested assuming you get tons of these messages anyways from males,I am just not into the bar scene seeing as i do not drink or smoke so its a little difficult to find women interested in heavily tattooed men.I am real and not a computer either and no i have not sent this to more women than you ha. Swear im not a creep a saurus rex!
Hope to talk to you soon!
Submitted by: Jessica
@crazyemails
I just added a new term to my mental dictionary: “rip ass.”
I was thinking I’d do the same thing. What an awesome term… I think my husband will love it.
Oh my giddy aunt, I haven’t laughed that hard for a long time…
Will you pay for my beans?
AHAHA, bonus points for the use of “Oh my giddy aunt”!
“oh my giddy aunt” – ha! That made my day.
I take it that’s not common slang around your area then? It is where I come from, but slang does vary a lot from place to place
wow.
dude.
that almost makes me want to see what you wrote!
I knew a guy with that fetish once. Fucking weird…
maybe it’s the same guy
Just when you thought the online dating scene couldn’t possibly get any weirder….
Hey now, those aren’t crazy people. They just have fetishes. They’re both very polite in how they approach the ad poster and I’d bet you couldn’t pick them out in the course of your normal day-to-day exchanges at the bus stop or in the Wal*Mart. If you want responses written by crazy people in response to Craigslist dating ads, trust me, they’re out there – full of hate and misanthropy.
To these guys, desiring farting or toiletplay with sex is no different than you or I requesting cuddling or spooning, and, IMHO, really shouldn’t be laughed at. Just because 96% of people aren’t into it doesn’t make those who are crazy.
I agree with you… to an extent. If I had a fetish though, I would only contact people into that sort of thing. I am not sure these two geniuses did that. Answering a normal personal add with these kind of fetishes is not the way to go about it.
Consern troll is conserned.
You’re full of shit Kalleigh, I can spot a vegan straight-edge Tattoo artist from a mile away.
‘IMHO’? There’s no such thing as a humble opinion.
uh, “H” in IMHO can ALSO mean honest
I always took that to mean “honest” too
I agree, but there are websites for people with fetishes (of all types, or some for specific types) and you have a lot higher chance of finding someone like-minded checking there.
The first guy, okay, not crazy, he just needs to learn the ground rules, pick a venue. The second guy definitely has a bit of the Jekyll and Hyde about him. He gets half way through the email and then goes right way, all the way, deep off the deep end.
I guess these guys gotta ask someone, but… eesh. I tried online personals, and it wasn’t quite this bad, but it wasn’t good. I recommend posting a personals ad with “normal” details to anyone who loves bizarre responses – if you get nice ones, just politely turn them down. I can’t even count how many responses I got (my requested age range was 18-35, and I always stated “Not interested in over 35, period”) from guys in their late 50s to mid 60s, not only asking me to ‘give them a chance’ but following this with the creepiest personal details, fetishes, etc. And ‘member, these were dating sites, not Fling or hook-up spots.
While these two take the cake for now, I’m betting there’s far worse – at least these guys are being polite.
But remember … he’s not gay. Mostly. Just in case that’s a deal-breaker, and the whole “farting in my face” or “pothead” thing isn’t.
Sorry to nitpick, but I do find it noteworthy that what he actually said was “mostly str8.” Then he quickly disassociates himself to gay things. Especially the second time.
me thinks he protests too much. lol
My thoughts exactly.
ewwwwww…..
*brb*
*gotta go scrub brain*
Imagine how scared you’d be if your computer sent someone a message like that? :-O
Is it wrong that I’m trying to work out how face-farting works? I mean, without having to look up one of the many videos that are no doubt online of this. Do you have to sit on the face, and if not, how big does the gap need to be? Up to a metre? Less? I’d rather be several miles away, myself, but still.
They could hotbox it. Hotboxing is the act of farting under the covers with the blanket pulled over your heads so that you both get light-headed from the fumes (learned about it on urbandictionary).
Also known as a “Dutch Oven.”
Hot boxing to me is when you smoke pot with mates in a small confined area, like a car. The dutch oven is when you rip ass under the sheets
It amazes me that people know these things and will correct others on correct terminology usage.
First off, Caveman is right about hotboxing.
Secondly, yeah, it really did need correcting. There is a HUGE difference between hotboxing and the dutch oven. (But what if you’re smoking under the covers?)
KaaaBoooom!!!
Hotdutching. Dutchboxing?
Oh how much thought did you give on the distance aspect of this? Made me laugh with tears running down my face…
I think he should at least offer to pay for some good or bad mexican food or at least some fiber one bars for some extra kick!!!
“i have not sent this to more women than you ha”
I’d be a little worried by this… if the guy was sending it indiscrimanately, then ok… but if I’d been singled out as THE suitable recipient, I’d be asking myself some questions.
And this is why I avoid Craigslist like the plague. I’m interested (not really) to know if the first poster’s own farts turn him on. If so, does he go around with a near constant erection after eating cabbage?
I answered one, once. In my defense, it was right after a close friend had died and I was lonely. The guy seemed nice enough from his ad. So we meet up, and on the first date he tells me that what’s most important to him in a relationship is a woman who will drink his blood an d let him drink hers. He said it was the ultimate sign of commitment in a relationship to him. Since I’ve been anemic most of my life I sensed we really weren’t compatible. 12 years later I’ve never answered another ad, I’m still single, and I bless every God out there for this fact! I may be alone but I still have all my blood, thank you very much!
Jeebus. When I get involved with women, I just like having sex. Am I weird?
Yes, you deviant sexual pervert. Wanting to have normal sex. Sheesh!
Me too. (Except, unlike the first email’s author, I’m not in denial about my partial-gayness, so amend your statement to read “women or men or whoever else.”)
The guy was obviously crazy, everyone knows that according to Japanese Manga, the most intimate sign of commitment to a person is eating their poop, NOT drinking their blood.
Will fart for beer…
Not a “creep a saurus rex”?
Definitely not to be confused with me…I hate even dutch ovens… yuck… my stomach is still rolling from these emails.
The fart guy was really polite, considerate, and aware that his fetish was weird as hell. I don’t think he can help it, so at least he’s going about it the right way. I can respect that.
What I want to know is: are there any non-sketchy/non-slutty women into incest roleplay? Personally I’d rather get involved with a meat eating whisky drinker who didn’t want me to pretend I was his sister in bed.
Maybe it’s not his sister he wants you to pretend to be. Maybe he has a thing for dear ol’ mom.
…or grandmom.
eeewwww, just…….eeeewwwww
I hope it’s his living grandmom he has a thing for
A part of me just died…
I’m reminded of a quote from King of the Hill: “He’s going to live with his mom until she dies… and probably for a couple weeks after.”
Why, yes there are. You’d be surprised. As long as it’s roleplay, not the real thing, of course.
I like how he says it’s nothing sexual, while using words like fetish and turned on
What if I was the mean sister? I mean, it’s not like I am going to let you sleep with me or anything. I can chief you while you sleep, steal money when you aren’t looking, hide all your briefs, paint your fingernails a sparkly hot pink and make sure the remover is gone. Oh, and by the way, you better braid my hair again. I wonder if that really would turn anyone on? Just doesn’t seem possible.
He’s a stoner AND a pothead?
Re: the fart guy….I should set him up with my brother…he’d make him SO happy…
…was thinking the same thing concerning MY brother…*L* He enjoys torturing the people around him… having a willing victim who’d actually PAY for it… damn.. match made in heaven lol
Actually this is a very good ad for moderation in experimentation when you’re growing up, what with your ‘too much’ (smoke too much weed, you’ll end up so lazy your biggest fetish is having someone fart on you) and ‘none at all’ (sister/toilet not being words you ever want to hear in bed) examples.
Oh where do I begin? The first one was bizarre until I got to…he’s a stoner and pothead. First, did he need to list both? I realize they’re so drastically different, but. Second, that’s when I said, oooooh. It all makes sense now. Oh, and I love how he has to say twice that he’s mostly gay. Mostly. But he doesn’t act gay, so it’s totally different. Just come out already, dude!
Second one, stalker turns into total psycho in 3, 2, 1…
‘Fart fetish Guy’ should just get a dog. Ours obliges us regularly with enough farts to keep this guy very happy (and looks around all surprised while doing it too!) Althiough a bit strange, at least he was nice about it and even offered to pay LOL!
As for the other one.. it starts out sounding like a regular guy and then gets rapidly disgusting and really creeptastic. ‘Incestual role play’, oh yeah, coz there’s never enough of that…’Degredation’ and ‘anything vile or strange’ … Hmmm he really thought she would be into all that? What worries ME the most is that he is ‘assuming you get tons of these messages anyways from males’ WTF ?? How could anyone be flattered enough by this to respond.
“I have a fetish where I actually get turned on”
“This isn’t anything sexual. . ”
Dude, the pot has melted your brain!
Holy hell that second one turned from shy to total creep in one sentence. Now I need some bleach for my mind.
I know! Maybe my internet creep radar is busted or something but he seemed pretty normal, then BAM! Incest.
“Sit on my face and tell me that you love me. I’ll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too. I love to hear you oralize. When I’m between your thighs, you blow me away….”
Havinfitz, you get major internet-points for quoting Monty Python:) Glad I wasn’t the only one sing/thinking about it.
Monty Python is so classic
Toilet play? What the hell is that? Like splashing each other with toilet water?
It means he wants to use her as a toilet. Goes with the degradation stuff. Ahahaha, oh please don’t ask me why I know that. :C
Or *she* uses *him* as a toilet. Let’s be egalitarian here.
Aww, number 2 was doing so well for almost 7 whole lines. I mean, I’d have been tempted, if I swung that way.
I love that you decided to use the phrase “number 2″ I LOL’d but maybe I just have that bad of a sense of humor…
agreed with the “number 2″ my mind went the same way.
yep, same here
This post, more than anything else in the world, has reinforced in my mind the importance of locking my workstation securely when I’m at work, lest my coworkers get their giggles by emailing/posting things under my name.
the mind. just. boggles.
If you ever wanted to see how many of these weirdos are out there go to http://whywomenhatemen.blogspot.com/ It is archives of all these kinds of “personals” I love that blog.
You should introduce these two guys to each other! Just sayin…
I know someone in Portland named Isaac. fuck.
Is it considered self pleasure when he has gas?
Oh Dear. The fart guy was a little bit funny. But the incest/heavily tattooed guy creeped me right out. Oh my, that is a hell of a lot of f***ed up fetishes for one person.
Two more reasons, becoming a nun is looking better and better.
Yes dear you will be welcome,we do not allow perverts in our strickly disaplined order.We worship a zombie and eat his flesh and drink his blood,apart from that we is preety normal. Cos you must avoid the priests in the monastry but they is more “into” younge boys, so you will be safe with me…
Yeah, these would be reasonable replies to a casual encounter post. Usually you don’t want to get the full sexual rundown until a few dates in. Most people are open-minded for this kind of thing for someone they’re already involved with. It doesn’t make a great first impression though. God bless them for trying though.
I have to agree with you. Once to find someone you are really comfortable with sexually oftentimes anything goes.
Kinks, fetishes, aren’t so strange anymore…
Seriously, how many dates would it take you to be okay with toilet play??
At least the second guy isn’t a creep-a-saurus-rex.
WHAT SMELLS LIKE ASS IN HERE?!
Not even close to the strangest fetish I’ve encountered.
Oh Thomas,
You can’t drop a bomb like that and not disclose any more….. share
I actually think fart-guy is cute because he’s so genuine. The second guy… not so much.
Girl! Dating in Portland is *rough*. What the hell is wrong with these guys? I like the, “I’m mostly straight” part of the first email. My favorite recently online dating experience – we met u to play pool. He started rambling about the illuminati, Jonestown and the kool-aid, and flu shots being a biological weapon generated by the government to KILL US ALL! When I said, “Dude, I don’t know what you’re talking about and I’m STILL getting my flu shot tomorrow”, he screamed, threw down his pool cue and ran out. He sent me some creepy ranty texts and then disappeared for a month. Earlier this week, he starts texting me again about how he’s “seen the light” about me and when I replied, “I have nothing to say to you, please lose my number” he said, “If you wish. And I know you don’t.” And then he went into a tirade about being sheep brained and brainwashed. *sigh* I’m going to be single forever.
Dear Thatkat,
Hang in there, they are not all creeps. Though, I have to admit, I ran into my fair share of weirdo’s, stalkers, freaks, losers, liars, felons, addicts, etc. I could write a book and retire if I had kept a journal. Finally after about 5 years, I met someone normal and snatched him up as fast as I could, lol.
I am the one who received this and it was an ad in the male seeking male section actually. This also let me know craigslist is not where you pick up decent people. At all. Lesson learned the hard way. I just sent this in to show not JUST women get the creepy bastards.
I’m lactose intolerant, if this dude is willing to pay per fart, I’d drink a glass of milk and make a fuckin fortune. I kinda wish he’d left a contact number.
HAHAHA! Me toooo! With a a ittle mac and cheese and I’d rock his WORLD!
I wonder if “I fart in your general direction” would be intimate enough for him?
I love how the first guy keeps INSISTING he’s not gay. I’d be tempted to respond “Let’s wait until you’re more comfortable with your sexuality, THEN we can talk about ripping ass and cutting cheese and all that.”
“I swear I’m not gay. Well maybe mostly not gay. But wrestling guys and having their asses in my face when they let one rip really turned me on. But I’m not gay.”
This reminds me of the shart song from Donnie Baker on the Bob & Tom Show.
Fetishes are not crazy, period.
Sad.. the vegetarian dude might actually have been my type. If you took away all the crazy sex-stuff..
“Toilet-play”..
*Shrugs*
Craigslist strikes again…
Is it wrong that I read the typo “short in the dark” as “shart in the dark” and laughed for like, twenty minutes?
I’m still left wondering what a ‘throat job’ is. I guess my next stop is Urban Dictionary…
I can top these one time asked a very pretty girl if she would come home with me for sex. She said” Over my dead body”. I told her to just forget it. I’m not into that kinda thing, you perv.
I was leaving the Barnes & Noble and in the parking garage some woman was screaming “Rape! Rape!”. What is this society coming to? I shouted back at her “Look lady, I’m a busy man. I don’t have time to rape every stranger who wants me to. Why don’t you get someone else to help you with your sad little role playing fantasy, you weirdo!”
There are a lot of freaks out there
So, the first guy just wants some dude to come over and get stoned with him and shoot the breeze.
Aaaaw. Aren’t they sweet? ^_^
Does anyone here know what “Toiletplay” is? I’m intrigued.
Toilet play is sex acts involving toilet matters. #1 and # 2 on each other, before and during sex…. 2 girls, 1 cup… that kind of thing
one word….
“shart”
I find it quote funny that no one picked at the “incestual roleplay” the second guy mentioned.
dude.
i mean…god damn!