You’re Hired!
OBJECTIVE: To be the best customer service type person you can ever find!
SCHOOL
EXPEERENCES: I graduated in 2005! I treid to get into a college, but I decided that I didn’t really wanna do that. College is for people that aren’t self starters. I am a self starter.
SKILLS: I can type really good, like wicked fast! I can also text really fast! I can cook lots of stuff. I can sort of make coffee… accept I don’t know how to make creamer. I am really good at talking on the phone also.
JOB
EXPEERENCE: I worked at a day care center, a coffee shop at the mall and I was a waitress at Applebee’s.
MONEY
HOPES: I would like to be making $40 an hour. I think that would be enough for dealing with customers. It would also help me pay my way through cosmetalogie school. I want to do hair one day. But before I get there, I would work for your company.
REFERENCES: you could call my dad or my mom. Also, my best friend Amy. She knows me really well. You could call my ex, but we ust broke up last weekend. He was cheating. Long story. Anywho, you could also call the people I babysat for last year… I don’t remember where they live or what they were called. There sons name is Aubi. That’s a wiered name, right? They were nice. They paid me 20 dallers, which wasn’t really enough, I don’t think. My science teacher last year was really nice. She would say some nice things, I’m sure. Everyone else, might say smoething bad. I would rather you nto talk to them.
HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME
Submitted by: Tamara
Here at the EFCP Job Training Center, we remind you always to include a “HIRE ME” border somewhere on your resume. It just may make the difference.
@crazyemails
Well, it must work. My company seems to have hired this dingbat, her 58 sisters, and her mother too.
coke just came out of my nose. i hope you’re happy.
Well don’t put coke up your nose in the first place.
that’s why it’s called drug abuse…..
Coke just came out of my nose too – and I haven’t drunk any since yesterday!
She’s probably very pretty and that’s what got her through so far.
This reminds me of teh Simpsons Episode where Homer resigns from APu’s Shop
“There goes the best god damn employee a convenience store ever had”
I would actually give this girl a shot, the message doesn’t sound too crazy, is clearly written in acceptable prose and grammar bar a few typos and shows initiative
Well done 40 bucks an hour girl!
This is fake. No one is this stupid.
I agree with premiergirl. This must be a fake. The “References” section is the giveaway. Too much obviously ditzy detail.
Yes they are. Until she got to the part about “cosmetalogie” school, I thought I knew this girl. Once I saw that little tidbit, I was sure.
I have to agree…people really are this stupid. I’m an HR manager. I usually leave work wildly disappointed in people, but nothing really shocks me anymore.
And why aren’t you posting your findings, young lady?
I think it’s probably for real! I’ve seen some worse resumes myself.
So you come on a website that collects the craziest and weirdest writings ever, and you don’t expect to see stuff like this? You just convinced me people can be this stupid…
Correction – most people are this stupid. Intelligence is a rarity these days.
“College is for people who aren’t self-starters” Really? I thought college was for people who were self starters and who payed attention in school when they were talking about how to get the career you really wanted.
Honestly (and quite seriously), I’m an employment counselor. This is one of the worst resumes I’ve ever seen. Frankly I surprised that it wasn’t originally written in crayon. How is texting a skill? Just in case I want a document for the Board of Directors that’s filled by OMG, WTF and ends with TTYL?
Giving this moron a chance would be the worst thing an employer could do. She may as well list her weaknesses like in the Simpsons too:
- I’m often late
- Little things start disappearing from the workplace…
- etc…
To WavyGrady the employment counselor: “Payed?” SRSLY? Pot, meet kettle.
Canadian. Queen’s English. Payed.
But nice try there, Jerk.
British. Queen’s English. Paid. *Never* “payed”, in any dialect. But nice try there, Jerk.
OK, so maybe I’m a jerk for rubbing your nose in it. But “payed” is not correct usage in Canada or the UK either (except in the practically obsolete nautical usage regarding tarring or waxing rope).
Not so – but keep wasting your time anyway. I can work the Google on the intranets machine, too!
Nah, I used my big dic (the OED).
You’re not a very good Grammarn@zi. Payed is definitely a valid form, for both the transaction sense and the rope sense. It is, however, becoming obsolete and is very rarely used. Abridged dictionaries will not even list it anymore. It’s also not a good idea to use it on the internet–most people would consider it a mistake. It’s only commonly used in certain regional areas.
There is no such word as payed, I have an old dictionary and it’s paid or pay not payed, I have to agree with grammarn@zi
http://www.thefreedictionary.com/payed
I thought it was paid too but both are acceptable.
in a roundabout way, the grammar nazi was defending the honor of the fake valley girl jobseeker. thats romantic in a Adam Sandler movie kind of way.
only queers have queens
Makes you wonder how there are still British people living in th UK, in that case…
LOL
Random aside–I’m an American who has gotten so used to talking to Canadians and Britons online that American “English” (because we know it’s really not English) just doesn’t look right to me.
Badmouth us all ya like, ya crumpet-lovin’, Potter-molestin’ fairycake – ya’d be speakin’ German if it weren’t for the good ol’ U-S-of-A. When’s the last time ya limey bastards won a war on yer own that WASN’T against spears and clubs? France? Ooh, yer theater-goin’, cross-dressin’ selves are such BADASSES.
wenn sie die alternative sind, würde ich eher deutsches sprechen.
…
0.0
Please tell me you’re joking….
1) He’s American
2) He’s not insulting anyone
3) I am also American; and I say unless you’re exibiting the stupidest form of sarcasm I’ve ever seen, get off the Internet you star spangled troll, and quit giving us the reputation of being fat bigots.
you know, if you weigh in towards the end of the match, you are more likely to be on the winning side. US of A held out for so long in order to get the financial strong hold over GB; US lost 300 civilians, mainland Europe + GB in the region of 15 MILLION (not in camps or soldiers). it is always easy to ‘win’ when the cost you have paid is neglible. not exactly won any bloody fights since though have we?! and no i am not a brit (or french), i am in fact american.
perhaps you ought to pick up a book or two…you give americans a bad name.
Sigh why does intelligence seem to die every day?
College is not for self-starters. It is for drones and the creation of drones.
Some courses are useful, most degree programs are wasteful of resources, time, and effort.
Stop drinking the Kool-Aid.
Sincerely,
BA International Economics, “Would you like fries with that?”
(Hint: Get computer certs, not degrees. They translate into real money faster, are cumulative, and lead to a solid career path. Business degrees should be avoided at all costs. The field is flooded and the degrees are good for little more than managing a fast food shop.)
I wouldn’t call University training a waste. It can be the difference between working for the province and getting paid $55,000 +, or doing the same job for an agency sponsored by the province and getting paid 20K less.
Of course, this is Canadian money, so before Grammarn@zi jumps on me here, that could be the equivalent of about a 40K difference in an annual American remuneration.
Anyone who calls university a complete waste is probably entering their posts while on break at McDonalds or Wal-Mart.
“Yep… left skool aphter grade 5 – Ah don;t need no educashion – got me sum life expeerence. Just ask my ex…”
Clearly you consider yourself an employment expert; however, I am pretty sure there are many successful, highly-paid entrepreneurs out there who never completed their degrees. Oops, sorry… Maybe this is just in America.
I don’t remember saying that success consistently eludes those without post-secondary education. Look at Sir Richard Charles Nicholas Branson, for example. A billionaire, Sir Branson failed to graduate from what would be referred to in the United States as “high school”. Estimated worth today: $2,500,000,000 US.
However, I can state with some degree of certainty that the majority of individuals who have gone on to be “successful” (by the definition of greater society and not some subculture, specifically those with strong values that could be considered counter-commercial/counter-capitalist or as far as pseudo-anarchic) on the same level are in fact university graduates, or at the very least recipients of some manner of training at the post-secondary level be it continuing education at a distance or home study. Factual evidence that would support this position includes individuals such as Warren Buffet (University of Nebraska, Donald Trump (University of Pennsylvania), Bill Gates (Harvard University), Larry Ellison (University of Illinois, University of Chicago), and James Robert Shaw (Michigan State University).
Perhaps the extra letter u’s in the words that end in “or” only serve to misconstrue my Canadian interpretation of the subject material. Has anyone an idea of who I might write a strongly-worded letter to?
tl;dl
Source: MSEE
Job: Home Depot electrical
Yeah, ain’t college grand?
No knowledge is ever a waste.
This thread just showed me how many people are bitter with their lots in life… I’m so happy I’m where I am. You want fries with that?
Super size me.
Boring. I’ll take my playwrighting degree over some technical certification, thanks.
God knows an actual education in useless things like literature, history, philosophy, mathematics, the sciences, and basic writing skills are a sham! It’s trade school for me! Fuck knowing things!
*rolls eyes*
College is for people who want a well-rounded education in the sort of things that matter in the world, not just in their chosen career field. College is for people interested in the world around them. College is for people who would like to learn not just from texts and manuals, but from actual people with real-life experiences, as well as their peers.
I don’t know what you’re drinking instead of Kool Aid, but it’s laced with stupid.
Agreed. Actually, in a global economy, it’s the ability to learn, to synthesize (combine knowledge from different fields in unique ways) and to think critically that are most important. All of these things are taught in universities, and they can all also result from life experience if the individual is willing to put in some conscious effort. The real advantage of colleges and universities is that they give you a wide background of information from disparate fields that allows you to kick-start the synthesis process.
Actual hard skills change rapidly for most professional jobs – what you learn in the first year of your degree will be 50% useless by the time you graduate.
Agreed. I was going to comment, but this sums it up nicely.
Actually it’s for people to pay a load of money to have the information spoon-fed to them, most college people are LESS curious than the budding entrepreneur or inventor.
Nice try, please play again though.
I skimmed right over “payed” and went right to this sentence:
“Frankly I surprised that it wasn’t originally written in crayon.”
Thank you! Seriously, “I suprised”? How did no one else pick up on that?
LOL.
For $40/hour I would expect my employee to know how to use a spell checker and know the difference between there, their and they’re. But maybe that’s just me.
…and accept vs except
…AND EXCEPT VS. EXPECT.
You’d be surprised how many times my CEO mixes those up in his email…He also has a habit of doing the whole “R U” thing…
I’m pretty sure he’s making more than $40. It just goes to show you that not all successful people made it to where they are based on how well they conduct themselves via text.
Don’t worry, as soon as I will rule the world people who confuse “you’re” and “your” will lose their jobs.
well sayd…
Duh, it’s “sayed.” Are you stupid or something?
Must be that Canadian Queen’s English again.
I think I know the company that hired her. It’s my cable company and she keeps answering the phone when I try to talk to customer service.
…. This….. Does she really…… *sigh* I’m just speechless. And sad.
…”sorta know how to make coffee…:
….”don’t know how to make creamer…”
…”worked in coffee shop…”
priceless
HAHA awesome. I hadn’t caught that one.
Creamer springs fully formed from the foreheads of Starbuck employees.
Are you *sure* that’s where they’re getting the creamer from?
*chokes to death laughing*
This DOES explain the last latte I got …
Darn, George beat me to it.
It just doesn’t seem real.. i can’t believe someone would be that stupid!! But then again we do need people like her at our fast food restaurants..
We most certainly do not! People like her are the reason my order is correct maybe one out of every five times I get fast food.
Then again, people like her make me not want to go and get fast food, so I guess they’re doing their part in keeping me healthy.
*twtiches* I gave up on trying to correct the other four mistakes with my Arby’s order in North Carolina two days ago when trying to correct the first one led to a huddle of 3 people around the cash register speaking in a dialect of Twanglish™ with which I am unfamiliar.
Hey now….It depends on what part of NC you were in. We’re not all ignorant. We do all have that Twanglish thing going on though, to varying degrees.
(Twanglish – I love it!)
This can’t possibly be real… Can it?
I guaranty she shows up for the interview in a microskirt and a little crop-top. Braless, of course.
And probably gets the job despite her resumé.
hot
Guarantee, perhaps?
perhaps.
I’m paid $6.50 an hour to work with people’s credit cards…
What is this $40/h job she’s talking about and where can I find one? XD
Put on the micro skirt, Ill pay $40/hr. Bonus. You’ll learn how to make creamer.
hahaha ew…
That’s exactly what I was thinking. If this girl actually gets an interview, the employer is just going to think “Score! Another moron who will take it up the ass. Literally.”
See Ezreal’s comment. I think that explains why she’d get $40/hour and doing what, although even there she’d be earning less than industry average.
The sad thing is I’ve seen companies that would rather hire someone like that girl than someone who is actually educated and has a grip on reality, because it’s easier to control and manipulate idiots. “Lower wages? Longer hours? Sexual harassment? Alright see you when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 6!”
When you know how to take care of a company, you don’t need to control your employees. And you don’t want idiots like this girl. You want people who can improve the company and increase your profits.
I’m not saying big, successful companies won’t try to pay their employees as low as possible, but they will always chose the smart guy who wants $40 an hour over the moron who asks for $10/hour. Business owners who don’t understand this never go far.
Well, it depends. There are places you can put people who are ineffective but can serve as decorations. And yes, they may take the $40/hour smart person for some roles and the $10/hour stupid person for others. But they’re not gonna take a $40/hour stupid person either way. (Not counting managers, of course.)
This gets 10/10 for honesty, optimism and enthusiasm.
)))
Your Hired !!
I smell fake
This hurts my head. Seriously.
I really hope this is a fake. I have worked as a store manager for a couple different retail companies, and if this ever came in to me, I can honestly say it would get filed into the trash bin as soon as I saw her “Expeerences”.
I am also curious about how her taking classes in cosmetology will fit in with her ideals on college not being for self-starters…
Word.
Who the fuck posted my Target resume?!
I am seriously praying that this isn’t real. If it is, I think my head is going to explode. Considering how much I’ve worked on my own CV, this is seriosuly taking the piss if this is a real job application.
So this is what I have to do to get hired? Let me just throw out my well-written, well-formatted, articulate resume and just stick in “HIRE ME” as a border and I should get a job in no time!
everybody who says your company hired a gal like this, please tell me at least not at $40/hour. I think that’s my favorite part.
Well, she only wants to work two hours a day, I suppose, so it’s not that bad of a deal.
Oh, come to think of it, that’s pretty cheap for someone in the oldest profession though…but you have to make sure a conference room is available for the hours you’ve booked her to work.
20 Dallers really isn’t a lot. 1 single U.S. Dollar is worth 5 times more than 1 Daller.
Oh, so the Daller is one of the few currencies the USD is worth more than? /sarcasm (but sadly, only a little sarcasm)
Your comments are just no fun. As many problems as I have with this country you are just hating on the US for no reason it seems. There are over 100 currencies in use in the world today and the US dollar is worth more than a great deal of them. Of course, nobody’s bragging that 1 US dollar is worth 1,400 Somali shillings, but really, please pull the stick out of your ass. Your other comment with the “aside” about only talking to non-Americans on the Internet was just pointless and reeked of some kind of weird hipster BS. I myself have relatives in a few different countries and friends from all over the world, and I do believe there are a lot of ways in which the US could be improved, but I don’t use completely unrelated blog posts to make random posts bashing the country. Grow up.
WORD! That MLD is a toolbox.
Just feel sorry for him, Mark. He said in another post that he makes less than $900 per month so that’s probably why he’s down on the US.
Maybe if she went to college, she could learn to spell experience or weird or learn the difference between accept and except or the difference between there and their. Or maybe she could make 40 bucks an hour typing wicked fast! Those are some invaluable job skills, I tell ya. I used to be a hiring manager and saw resumes like this ALL the time. Those ones went in the “we’ll call you when something opens up” folder.
Don’t forget that she is also an accomplished texter – a must in today’s cut-throat job market.
but only if your wicked fast!
I think you might be giving her too much credit. =) I don’t remember learning to spell experience and weird in college. I remember learning to spell in elementary and middle school… Maybe some SAT words in high school. But I’m pretty sure college or not, she’s already missed that fragile window of opportunity of establishing fundamental literacy skills.
I really wonder why I’m wasting my time in university when I see that morons like her manage to get hired 3 or 4 times in their lives.
This has GOT to be fake. At least I hope so.
I really, really, really worry about this generation.
The way the last part rambles about who to call and who not to call, without actually supplying phone numbers or other such helpful information, I started off thinking maybe this person shouldn’t write their resume while on meth. Then I looked again at the fact that they wanted to make $40/hr. doing customer service, and I thought they should also kick their obvious crack habit. Anyone who wants that kind of money should go to a trade school and become a plumber. Customer service jobs pay minimum wage, or just enough above minimum wage to stem the hemorrhaging of constant turnover.
all I can say to that, is that you’re truly lucky. I know several young people who I can see writing a resume like this, as they genuinely believe they can get $40 an hour for something like customer service, and really do consider “texting really fast” to a be skill. It’s sad, but it’s true
sorry, was supposed to be replying to the post below
As fake as Carrie Prejean’s tits. I don’t see why you people fall for this stuff, it’s pretty obvious that it was written as a joke and you still believe it’s real?
What percent of the 300-500 resumes clogging up the works for every open position around here are like this one? Is this why I can’t even get a callback now and then? If mine ends up underneath 30 or 40 of these, I don’t doubt that the hiring manager gives up reading them. Not for $40 an hour could I butcher the language that effectively. Maybe she’ll get lucky and “Idiocy Consultant” will be the next big thing.
HIRE ME HIRE ME HIRE ME gets the job on Farmtown, right? So why not try it on your resume?
Doesn’t get a job from me even in Farm Town. Those are the ones I ignore.
What a nit wit. No college education and want’s $40 an hour. This is the problem with young people today, no work ethic–they expect to have the world bow at their feet. The only way she will make that kind of money is on her back.
Or her knees.
dang, you beat me to it.
or her knees.
Or possibly all fours.
Knees $40 All fours $80….
How much to have her in the suspension harness?
So much convenience has lead to a sense of entitlement.
Maybe the entitlement spawned the convenience.
*woahs like Keeanu Reeves*
Sure, this chick’s a nitwit and everything and expecting $40 a hour when you don’t have training or a college education is beyond stupidity, but insinuating that those of us without college education have no work ethic is not only rude, it’s a fallacy as well.
I’ll bet she’s the idiot who almost runs me over because she’s texting instead of PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD!
I guess I’m doing my resume all wrong.
FAKE!
When I was preparing to go on maternity leave, we advertised for a temp-to-perm employee – if they worked out well enough during my maternity leave, we’d keep them on full time. One of the resumes I received was shockingly similar to this one.
It was handwritten on a page torn from a spiral notebook, and included the story about how and why she’d just broken up with her boyfriend (and references with no last names or phone numbers). The last line was something like, “I know I don’t really have any skills or experience but I’m a really nice person and everyone who meets me says how nice I am so I think you would really like me if you gave me a chance.”
The biggest difference between that resume and the one posted here is, the resume I received reeked of desperation and despair, not the chirpy cluelessness that our HIRE ME friend exhibits. I felt so sorry for her and the obvious hopelessness of her situation that I came in an hour early the next morning and typed up a “remodeled” resume for her, and then typed a two page “dos and don’ts” of applying and interviewing for jobs, and mailed it back to her.
About three months later, she sent a letter (on notebook paper again) saying that she’d gotten a job using the resume I’d cobbled together for her, and thanking me for it. It made me feel good that I had helped, but at the same time it made me not ever want to shop at the place that’d hired her, if their standards were that low.
Well, in fairness, a personal thank-you note on notebook paper is quite a different animal from a resume. HOPEFULLY she learned something.
You just restored my faith in people. Thanks for making my day.
)
I think we can all agree that if this is a real resume, the girl is obviously an idiot. But I wonder how many of you considered that she might be a genius. If she was on some social assistance program she would have to prove she was “trying” to find employment so the benefits won’t run out, or perhaps mommy and daddy are sick of her mooching off of them and are forcing her to get a job. An application like this would almost guarantee never getting hired, and she can keep living on easy street. Just like Spud did in “Trainspotting”. It’s a bit of a stretch maybe, but that’s what I would do given the circumstances.
Dude, compared to many resumes I’ve seen, this one is not bad. Whoever says this is fake because no one is that stupid: you are so wrong, unfortunately. When I used to manage I’d get, say, 10 applications a week, and most of them were like this or worse. And she seems to have a lot better attitude than most of them. Oh how I wish I were joking. (and whoever says she’s probably going to get whatever she wants because she is cute, you are probably right. )
come to think of it, at my last interview for an IT job, the interviewer told me the only other applicant was a girl who showed up in a halter top and flip-flops. And I didn’t get the job. I’m kinda depressed now.
I think this girl knows it’s a horrible resume and purposefully made it this way- no one could possibly think this would land them a job. Because of that, I think that she does not want a job for whatever reason, but had promised someone she would apply to jobs and this is her way of fulfilling that promise while ensuring she does not actually get hired.
Okay, maybe it’s a midwest thing, but I keep laughing at the comments saying $40/hour is ridiculous…for typing. Or customer service. Or for someone without a college education. It’s like everyone is implying that there are PLENTY of $40/hour jobs out there.
Or am I just ignorant and woefully underpaid, to think that $40/hour is unthinkable unless you’re a consultant/lawyer/plumber/contractor? Most big bucks come at salaried positions, not hourly…right?
If there are jobs that pay that well, they mostly aren’t in my area. I think though that pretty much everywhere that’s an unattainable wage unless you’re in a highly skilled trade. I’m not sure if salary or wage pays better in the middle class–probably by wage because if you have a job with a high wage and a lot of overtime you can do very well–but I suspect the very top incomes are all salaried. There’s definitely an overlap where companies will put someone on salary as an excuse to avoid paying them overtime.
Kind of like the company I work for – all of the store managers are salaried and, for the most part, these guys (and gals) are working in excess of 80 hours a week.
$40/hr is not unthinkable, but it is not entry-level pay, either wages or salary. And $40/hr for “typing” can mean different things. Not for typing pool or data entry, but yes for technical writing or other professional writing etc. There is a columnist in the Washington Post who “humbly” refers to himself as a “typist,” and you can bet your sweet bippy he’s making $40/hr or more. Someone suggested computer certifications for $40/hr – that’s feasible and realistic – but again, not entry level.
I make significantly less than that fixing computers as a contractor in the Washington DC area (i.e. fairly high cost of living). She’s asking to earn $83,200 a year in an entry-level customer service job. Even allowing for regional variation, this is quite obviously an unreaslistic expectation.
I make $75 per hour as an illustrator in the northeast but the cost of living is a lot higher here. I have to admit, though, that $40 per hour is unheard of in the area of customer service regardless of where you are geographically.
I gotta call fraud on this one. Seriously, even an ex-Applebees waitress knows that you right-click the words with red squiggly lines under them and select the replacement at the top.
Hahahahaha! Yes!
Assuming they even have spell check turned on.
I was buying this at first, but by the end they had pushed ’stupid person writing a resume’ a little too far to be believable any more. Subtlety, people, subtlety!
Fakeness aside, however, still pretty funny.
I have to say, people really are this stupid. I once ran an theatre company and had open auditions (bad idea). I had one guy use his girlfriend as a prop, another do a song at such a pitch that windows shattered (it was off key, too) and yet a third one (possibly the best one) had never “done no acting” before, but he happened to be in the area and decided to stop in. The most memorable, though, was a stripper who came by because she wanted to change career directions (oh if only I’d been directing porn).
We got a resumé and cover letter from someone who said her strongest attribute was excellent communication skills.
We almost asked her to interview.
But she didn’t supply a phone number, e-mail address, or home address. Not on the resumé, the cover letter, or envelope.
I wouldn’t ping her on misuse of there/their/they’re (and your/you’re) because it’s rampant throughout the interwebs, and even people who know better (myself included) sometimes do it because your fingers can get ahead of your head. (I did notice one complaining commenter use the non-word “want’s” – what’s with THAT?) Accept/except is harder to take (like its/it’s). But “expeerences” is like fingernails on the blackboard, as are the other more egregious errors. She will NOT be getting the $60-$100/hr consulting jobs I had as a writer and editor. I do like her emphasis on “I graduated in 2005!” – like even she was surprised by it! And she “treid to get into a college” but then “decided I didn’t want to do that” – presumably because she was turned down. I’m on the fence re: whether it’s a fake or not – people in the employment business would know better. But it’s funny.
For a serious application, there should be no misuse of words. Even if people can misuse them in normal speech, a resume is an important document that should be scanned repeatedly and declared void of all blemishes before being submitted for review. If you’re not going to take the time to make sure you use words correctly, it seems like you don’t find the position to be important enough.
I really admire her self-confidence. And, she’s very honest. She admits she has no real marketable skills, yet seems to think she’d be a treasure for any company that would hire her. I was turned down for jobs at retail stores and fast food joints because I was told I was over-educated, over-qualified, and over-experienced. I couldn’t wrap my mind around that. Here is someone who obviously doesn’t have that problem, and yet must be cute enough to get the job anyway? (Per y’all’s posts.) (Note to self– Must. Look. Cute.)
Trust me, She definitely gets an interview. Any HR person with more than 10 seconds experience knows this resume screams….. “I’ll give head for a job.”
Congratulations, Ma’am. Now wipe your chin.
fake
My aunt put a “HIRE THIS GIRL” border in tiny tiny text on her resume, back in the early 1990s when having an Adobe application and a Mac computer, plus actual knowledge of how they work, was an incredible thing and almost guaranteed you employment. She got the job. I still don’t know to this day whether the border accomplished its subliminal spiel or if the boss was lecherous or something.
Obviously a fake. She graduated in 05, didn’t go to college, but one of her references is her science teacher from last year? Reading comprehension, people.
Yes, because all of these emails were composed yesterday.
(Hint, for the sarcastically impaired: this is probably a couple of years old.)
Time perspective, people.
Definitely a fake because noone could be THIS stupid. “Everyone else, might say smoething bad. I would rather you nto talk to them. HIRE ME HIRE ME..” Logic, people.
have you seen many resumes?
Yeah, that’s a possibility but why would anyone ever keep this for four freaking years. Doesn’t really make sense.
This is “emails from crazy people”, not “emails from stupid people”. There’s a difference.
I was thinking just that until the string of HIRE ME at the bottom. She’s a nut. And who’s to say that “incredibly stupid” doesn’t amount to “slightly crazy”, anyway? Stupid people these days aspire to craziness, in fact.
I don’t know who dared hire her to babysit their children, but I hope she did not confuse the pacifier and the pacificator. Or the (teddy) bear and the beer.
She wants 40 dollars an hour? Totally a future hooker
I heard that the city of Dallas, Texas has it’s own new currency.
I love reading these; they make me feel so much smarter.
I remember laughing at someone’s application when they expected to start out at $10/hr in a customer service position.
Depending on the area, this may not be a reach. I started one job at $8.50/hour + commission (which could end up being over $10/hour), and another at $9 an hour. I don’t even have a HS diploma yet (I’m seventeen.) Of course, it does depend on the region…it is important to research the expected salary rates for the region within which you’re applying for a job. So it is possible that $10/hour is extremely unusual in your location. However, in some other areas it is not as unimaginable.
Don’t call us. We’ll call you.
This is just someone messing with their HR person – amd deservedly so. All the BS they make you go through to get a job and still most of the time they hire a bunch of dumbasses anyway.
Still on the fence about whether or not this is fake. However, right before I left my last job, we had a string of idiots coming in to drop off resumes. One particularly fine specimen came in with a relatively low-cut top, some kind of paw print tattoos on her breasts, midriff baring, tight jeans, and left me the best resume I have ever seen. If only I had saved a copy. SHE SPELLED HER NAME WRONG. Yeah. No joke. Laqueesha v. Laqeesha or something along those lines. . . so yes, people really are this stupid. And my boss ended up hiring someone only marginally more intelligent than Laqueesha when I left. Have fun with that, guys.
And by “spelled it wrong” I mean she wrote it one way in the header and another way later on in the resume, not that her mom gave her a stupid, purposely-misspelled name.
Sounds like she should be making $40 / hour. I expect she means $40 ZWD. At least she won’t be smart enough to understand when she gets hired for $40 ZWD.
Seriously though, on the fake/not fake question, I own a retail business and can’t believe how some people approach me about a job. This could be real.
About the college discussion, there are certain professions I expect to see college educations: medical doctors, lawyers, McDonald’s managers, but there are vast amounts of capital to be made by eschewing the system designed to turn the life you were born free into into a life of servitude to multinational corporate despots.
Do some research on the genesis and agenda behind the education system in America, or whatever country of which you are a citizen. As a starting point, check out Frederick William III of Prussia, and his defeat at Jena in 1806.
I’m really not sure if this is a fake or not, because having worked with the public for 14 years I know that there really are people out there who are this stupid. But the part I’m having trouble believing is that she worked in a coffee shop but “can sort of make coffee… accept I don’t know how to make creamer.” So either it’s totally fake, or if it’s real she either just worked the register or only worked at a coffee shop for about 2 weeks before they had to let her go because she could only “sort of make coffee.” But I’d at least hope she learned where creamer comes from in that time.
If it’s a genuine resume you have to allow for many people’s lack of literacy. This person is young and obviously has a LOT of studying to do. Sure, she can’t spell and she doesn’t know how to write a suitable formal job application. Time is on her side and she can improve her powers of communication. A full-grown man with similar English language problems was voted US President. The Top Job. And with the things he said and the things he did, he certainly made people wonder if he was stupid or crazy.
“wicked fast…” huh? I smell a Bostonian! Harvard, maybe?
1. She GRADUATED in 2005? What, was she held back so often that the school finally allowed her to graduate to be rid of her? Or did her school simply have extraordinarily low standards?
2. All previous comments on stupid applications, and poor references, reminded me of the Deadliest Catch episode in which one of the captains was shuffling through old resumes in order to find a replacement deckhand and stumbled upon a person who, for character references, cited their probation officer and another person whose title escapes me, but has similar implications.
3. As a native New Englander/ Bostonian, I am familiar with, and occasionally use in casual conversation, the word wicked as synonym for very. However, neither my friends nor I write wicked in this context, save rare occasions. I am surprised that someone would use in what one would assume is supposed to be an official document.
“MONEY” just reads like some subliminal message in the middle of her gooble-gobble resume`. ‘Money you say?…OK, here, take mine, and my first born to be raised as a brilliant self-starting, speed-texter like yourself.”
to all of you that replied to this thing as though it were serious. you all need slapped upside the head. the references part screamed punchline if ive EVER heard one.
and to the ones that continue to repeat that its fake. read the comments before you decide to throw your very necessary and heavily enlightened 3 word views to the world at the very least.
Sadly, it may look like a punchline, but there are people this stupid. I work in a well know supermarket (not for lack on intelligence, I never finished college due to lack of the funds to due so, just because someone hasn’t finished college doesn’t mean they lack ability, sometimes it is just lack of means), and they hire people who even speak in the manner as this resume. It’s disturing to talk like a normal human, and the somewhat cute woman/girl looks at you with a blank, glazed look. Also, very annoying to have to explain the same simple concept over and over. It is unfortunate that she made it out of the education system, most likely by money from her parents. . .or some unsavory acts.
One of the cashiers can “sorta make coffee” can “sorta use a microwave” and if it weren’t for the labeled coin cups and the change readout on the cash register, most likely not make proper change. I’m slightly suspicious that this may in-fact be her resume.
my friend Jeff wants to know who let this fool out of the crack house?
Oh my God….
What I would really love is to be the fly on the wall when she starts an $8 job- assuming she’s for real. I really think this must be a fake though- the reference section really sealed it for me, but I just don’t want to believe the the oblivious ditziness peppered everywhere else could possibly be genuine. Again though, I hope she’s for real, because if so the world can kick her.