A formula for happiness. I’ve never felt so welcome.

Hi Jamin Me Boy,

I just wanted to let you know how many days we’re offering to ‘put you up’ when you visit, and the boundaries.

The total number of days we are willing to put you up is: TWELVE / 12 / a dozen

You can spend those 12 days in one dose or in segments, whatever best works for you. However, YOU CANNOT EXCEED 12 DAYS. So factor in Christmas when budgeting out how you are going to use the 12 days.

There is only ONE situation in which we will exceed the 12 days. The situation is: If you use up all your 12 days by Dec. 21 (ie. leaving no days for Christmas visiting). In that situation, just for the sake of Christmas, we will use the following “Pre-Dec. 21 Formula”:

PRE-DEC. 21 FORMULA:

IF THE 12 DAYS ARE ALL USED UP BY DEC. 21 THEN A MAXIMUM OF 3 ADDITIONAL ‘BONUS’ DAYS ARE ALLOTTED, THESE 3 DAYS ARE TO BE USED WITHIN THE TIME FRAME OF DEC. 23 – 27, EXCLUSIVELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF CHRISTMAS.

Purpose of the Pre-Dec. 21 Formula: To ensure we spend Christmas together.

MANDATORY: The Pre-Dec. 21 formula will ONLY be applied if you have used up your 12 days PRIOR to Dec. 21.

If you do not use up all of your 12 days prior to Dec. 21 then the formula will not be applicable. ie. The days you spend with us for Christmas WILL BE PART OF THE 12 days. ie. budget your 12 days to include a Christmas visit.

According to the Pre-Dec. 21 formula, YOU WILL NOT BE STAYING WITH US FOR 15 DAYS IN A ROW (in any event).

Suggestion:

If you are staying in Ontario for over a month you will want to budget your 12 days with us wisely, ie. you might want to space out the 12 days in case you need a roof over your head in the latter stage of your visit. We won’t be extending our 12 day limit so once the 12 days are used up, that’s it. We’re not flexible.

YOU ALONE:

Also, this year we won’t be putting up any of your friends over Christmas season/holidays. Christmas this year at our house will JUST BE IMMEDIATE FAMILY ( Brooke is obviously considered immediate family). When you visit us it’s YOU we are putting up, not your travelling companions or your buddies.

FIRM:

I’m sounding so rigid because I want to be sure everyone is CLEAR on the boundaries. My objective is to have a successful, smooth-sailing visit. I don’t want to re-negotiate the 12 day limit or the specifics of the pre-Dec. 21 formula when you’re here (ie. I want no strain and friction). We need to stick to the boundaries and formula, so please don’t ask for any ‘exceptions’ when you are here. I absolutely WON’T deviate from the formula and boundaries outlined here.

If you are not entirely clear on any of the above information ( 12 days in total, Pre-Dec. 21 formula if applicable), and ‘immediate family only’ accomodations…then let me know. I want to be sure we’re all on the same page.

SELF-MANAGE RE: HOURS:

Also, while we’re on the subject of boundaries, we will have to request that when you stay with us you keep fairly normal hours that fit into our lifestyle.
In otherwords, going to bed by 1:00 a.m. and getting up by 11:00 a.m. (rather than staying up most of the night and not getting up until the afternoon). We don’t want to nag you to go to bed by 1:00 a.m. or hound you to get up in the morning…so please self-manage your time lines while you’re here.

ANTICIPATION:

If you adhere to the above formula’s/boundaries all will go very well, I’m sure!

Okay, that’s the end of my ‘business’. Boundary fixations aside, I’m looking forward to our visit!

Hope to hear from you shortly…and to get an update on your life!
Love,
Mom

Submitted by: Anon

Update on my life? I’m spending Christmas with the other side of the family.

Me and my chinchilla Ruth would like to go on a double date with a man and his pet chinchilla as well. Are you this man? Ruth is bisexual so the sex of your chinchilla is irrelevant; however, if your female chinchilla is not open to the idea of a same sex relationship it is best you discover this before our double date, as we are BOTH looking for compatible mates.

If you do not own a chinchilla but do own a sex-positive nutria, Ruth will take this under consideration.

Please attach photo of your chinchilla*, i do not need a picture of you: Ruth is very into looks however I value intellect and/or personality more highly.

xoxo
Lisa & Ruth

*I am serious. This is not some x-rated code. I would like to make that clear and avoid the unpleasant images i received last time. It was very upsetting to Ruth.

Submitted by: Ashleigh N via HowNotToDateOnline

Now, sure. I don’t think this is real. You don’t think this is real. But everyone on the voting page seemed to love it, and we’re all about giving the people what they want. And when will you ever see the phrase “sex-positive nutria” again?

. . . because it built my pickup truck.

Click to see more… »

Say you’re sorry, or you’ll be very sorry.

I have decided to contact the anyone who will listen after having discovered intelligence that grieves me dearly. There is in the hands of an organization a technology they intend to use to shield fusion bombs equipped to guided cruise missiles. The technology will protect from the effects of the end of the Mayan calendar and create an opportunity for the organization to “erase every enemy of the church off the planet for good.” The leader of the organization says that the world was called to an end by water, and the time has come to bring about the end by fire. They already have several hundred missiles aimed at their enemies. Most of which are aimed at the United States. I was born into the orginization and have been a member my entire life. They have always had honorable intentions to me, but this recent attempt to “irradiate all impurities from the earth” seems to be a bit harsh. I have decided to inform the CIA so they could take counter defense measures in order to prevent the deaths of several billion human beings. I will gladly share all intelligence with any that will listen, but I have a few demands:

First and foremost, I want every single Navaho County Sherrif’s deputy who has been guilty of defamation of my character to submit a affidavit stating that they acted disrespectfully, dishonorably and immorally when they beat me down several times, tazed me several times, hospitalized me once, and incarcerated me several times. I want it to be very clear that they are not to lose a their jobs, nor are they to suffer any persecution for their impure acts. It is not their fault they were not trained properly.

The Second of my demands is that Officer Michael Hall of Coconino County submit an affidavit admitting that he knowingly and purposely went under oath and deceived the court by describing an incident that did not take place, claiming I said words I did not say and take actions I did not do. I want him to be granted immunity from all persecution from his transgression just as the Navaho County Sherrifs deputy’s should get. Should they not be granted immunity and their family’s to suffer because of their father’s transgression, I will not be 100 percent Honest about the intelligence I possess. If you grant me these two demands I will tell you everything I know about the organization that plans to destroy all “impure members of the world.”

Submitted by: Gabe

Like Abe Simpson, he wore an onion on his belt; it was the style at the time.

I knew Teddy Roosevelt was my dad’s father and grandfather at the same time, and because he got his daughter Anna Mae Lincoln pregnant..
That made her my “Aunt Granny”.. My dad’s nickname was “the Bastard”, and famously so. The family name is Lincoln, too. There is no family named “Roosevelt”, it’s a hat. It’s a purple beret with a red rose embroidered on it. It was TR’s version of a crown in this USA.. He was regent-king of England (yes, while pres of the USA) while the royals waited for me to be born in some destiny of a time-capsule bequest. If they were going to ignore me anyway, it confuses me about why they bothered to have me yanked by a c-section delivery to make certain I was born on the day so designated by Queen Victoria, who believed in Astrology. I’m “the Rose”, 8-15-1946, a birth chart that has been awaited for centuries, I was told.. My dad’s the king that abdicated, and the have the Roman numerals wrong. They are hiding me from me, but I have it, now… The Windsors.. My mother’s not queen, I am! That’s why I’m queen over any other relatives, even my older brother Don. Allan isn’t my dad’s (royal) kid!

I got a photo off the Internet of TR and his brats in 1903. Annie is on the far right, as far away from her dad as she could get, and looking abused even at 7 years old, she must have been in 1903. Her birthday was Christmas, 1896…. She was also Annie Oakley, and gave my dad “Oakley” for a middle name. Shed’s buried at Verde Antique/”Monte Verde Inn” (movie-prop signs they forgot to take down. It’s my place.) in 95631. My dad’s name is Charles Edward Oakley Lincoln, direct descendant of Abe and Queen Victoria. They were married and had TR.. There is a bedroom in the White House named the Queen’s Bedroom.. It’s my building, Grandpa FDR told me, because I’m the family money-bags since I was born.. He showed me a secret passage in the Lincoln Bedroom, too, and I still remember how to operate it.. He wasn’t dead or cripple in 1945. He was hiding out after the war. Hitler and FDR found the same problem: over-eager generals…
The Windsors (my parents) rescued Hitler from his own troops and hid him across the street upstairs in my aunt’s house. In this photo of the Windsors and Hitler, see the look on my dad’s face. He took Hitler’s pistol and ended the war the next moment. Hitler had no idea, yet… So, we had two old warriors hiding out in San Lorenzo, CA, Ashland Ave. near the RxR tracks.. TR lived across the tracks to the West from us… Grandpa Edward.. As for Hitler in the back yard, they had me hold the flashlight when I was 2 or 3 while they dug a hole and buried a duffel bag full of bones. They made me look inside, too… EEEW! They had pigs eat the flesh, just as they told Hitler the night my dad shot him dead with that pistol.. I was there when they told Hitler that. My dad made him bow to me, the latest monarch of England. He was wearing his uniform, and it still fit… Yes, I knew Hitler. He was a maniac with a temper, and he had lupus… Our house has never sold, so I learn. It’s in the family, for sure. They moved house without moving it. The house across from us that was where we hid Hitler is in Foresthill, CA, next to the town fire department. Moving houses is how they made this town look old, I watched it happen, house by house..

In fact none of TR’s kids look too jolly in this family photo.. I heard it that TR was a tyrant in his home and family. I can imagine the fights over my dad, Annie’s the mama, and sister. TR’s the dad, and grandpa.. It comes to mind that I see other faces that became pres, maybe, in this photo. I’ve started wondering if Woodrow Wilson wasn’t one of these boys, looking at the faces, maybe the older one standing behind TR.. I wonder if FDR wasn’t even among TR’s brats, younger than Annie…. That would make my dad and mother uncle and niece (and her a royal?), because she’s FDR’s daughter. It’s for sure my brother Don resembles a photo of TR in his young man years.. Annie was Oliver Hardy, yes, a woman taking male hormones. She sure resembles her grandmother Mary Todd (valley) Lincoln.. I heard it that Victoria mourned over A.L.Bert (Abe Lincoln) who ran off with another woman, and that’s why she wore black. Queen Victoria had the disease herpes zoster, and couldn’t even hold her own kids.. I think she and young Johnny W have a striking resemblance. It’s all family!

WHEW! I’m getting DIZZY!

I think this family needs a DNA mapping to sort things out!…

Submitted by: Shelly

This one’s been kicking around the internet for awhile. It has at least one moment great enough to warrant revisiting.

Submitted by: Jordan

I know, with the craigslist thing, we all think troll or would-be comedian, and I suspect that’s what we’re up against here. But a gal can dream, can’t she?

Here’s a link to a highly pertinent post at one of our sister sites.

I’m looking for a girl who will give me a handjob / blowjob while wearing the Nintendo Power Glove. I’m dead serious. I would love this.

PS. That is not me in the photo. I am much more handsome.

PPS. NO NERDS!!!

Submitted by: Kene

Oh, and by the way, first!

James Writes: My alcoholic aunt told my whack-job uncle that I was trying to get money out of my grandma. We were all at a cousin’s wedding, but my uncle, as he has done for the last 12 years, avoided the event. All I did was tell my grandma that I’d been laid off but my wife and I were doing fine. Auntie phoned him about it the day after the wedding, and by the same evening I’d received this message.

Avuncular: in the manner of an uncle, pertaining to an uncle; Hence, kind, genial, benevolent or tolerant.

Folks, let’s add the prefix “an,” meaning “not,” and coin “anavuncular.” With me? Anavuncular? Cool. I’ll call Webster’s.

I think the mathematicians and symbolic logicians might be able to spot some flaws here, but I don’t know, it looks pretty sound.

Submitted by: Derrick

Submitted by: Zalan

A thousand Keyboard Cats given a thousand years, however, might come up with it.