. . . because it built my pickup truck.

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I think the mathematicians and symbolic logicians might be able to spot some flaws here, but I don’t know, it looks pretty sound.

Submitted by: Derrick

This is one of those crazy-insofar-as-wildly-inappropriate-counts posts. I think this may be a bit of a hostile work environment.

Here’s The Original Letter:

To All,

Please read this email carefully. This is the last time we will be discussing this.

This weekend, saturday and sunday we had 451 customers. Guess how many emails we collected? 60? 80? 40? No. None of those. We, or more acurately you, collected 2 emails. Thats less than half of one percent. 2 f—ing emails.

WHAT THE F— IS WRONG WITH YOU A–HOLES?!?!?! How many times do we have to tell you how important it is that you collect emails. Everytime we have a slow night and you make no money and you sit there b—-ing about how you make no money, remember its because youre f—ing lazy motherf—ers. YOU SHOULD ALL BE FIRED IMMEDIATELY!!!!! ALL OF YOU, INCLUDING THE HOSTS!!!!

Let me guess, youre probably sitting there saying “Vadim is such a f—ing a–hole. How dare he speak to me like this. I dont need this.” Youre right, you dont, so why dont you get the f— out. Any and all of you.

Youre probably sitting there saying “How dare he speak to me like this. How dare he not have respect for me”. Youre right there also. I have absolutely no respect for any of you. Why? Because every f—ing day, all of you continue to show that you have absolutely no respect for me or Alex. So if you dont respect us enough to do the little that we ask you to do, then GET THE F— OUT YOU F—ING LAZY DISRESPECTFUL A–HOLES!!!!!

Effective immediately, any server or host who fails to collect at least 20 emails per week, will be fined $100. Anyone failing to collect at least 20 emails for two weeks in a month will be fired immediately. No matter what. No matter who you are.

You dont want to do your job, you dont want to do what we ask, you dont belong at Paradou. Go find another place to work.

How dare you disrespect Alex and me this way. How dare you completely ignore what we ask of you time after time after time.

I am sick of all this shit, you bunch of f—ing children. This is what I have to deal with at 6AM?!?!? I wouldnt tolerate this from my 13 year old, and Im sure as shit not going to tolerate it from any of you a–holes.

You give no respect, you get 10 times back.

Submitted by: Will

I like it primarily because it reminds me of the famous Buddy Rich rants, one of which I have posted after the jump (warning: bad language preserved).
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Word tells me this has 283 words, and 62 spelling errors. Dude’s breaking all the rules. What I’m wondering is if whatever “game” this person has been playing has some terminology all its own, or if we’re getting a glimpse into someone’s own secret language. I mean, I’m all for acronyms and contractions, but only when we’ve agreed on what they stand for. If they’re just yours, well, that’s . . . crazy.

i think u know who am talkng to but anyway am out of this game cuz ther isnt any good players now to war i know that this retirment is so fckn late but i thought that i cld have fun but the gods killd it killd the game like they always do muzza i tried ti do my best to keep evryone happy but u only make ur best friends happy anf fck anyone else i think that this is my first formal post on this forums i postd one b4 cuz u askd me too the one bout the war with apll but now i must announce this we sirg killd apll once we killd them again and we wil kill them anytime we want without the gods they are nothing without the gods the cant stay on the lb or even keep ther acres ya ther is some good guys ther but only a few good players ther muzza u killd us all but we killd ur alaince while ur god was protecting them i wnt post things that wld make u look bad or anythng cuz am not that guy but that doest mean i cant u betrayaled me many times till now and i think u know that u betrayald me just to make ur friends happy i thought u was better than this bro i thought ur something else but i was a dunp anway thx to all the peaple that helpd me to know how to play this game many helpd me so thank u all i wnt say names cuz they r too much to write lol anyway bye wb and i hope thats forever

Submitted by: Asher

I’m particularly curious about “apll” (Alexandria Potomac Little League?) and “sirg” (State Indoor Radon Grant)? Apparently “muzza” is Melbournian slang for a Southern European male . . .

This seems like a joke, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why anyone would put in the time . . .

Submitted by: Townesend

Being President can be tedious. Some days, a crank call was all that stood between W. and utter boredom. Cut him some slack.

Submitted By: Anonymous via Magical Jerky

How bad is it? This bad. We all know this and yet still we will get on a plane and ingest stale pretzels and microwave dinners that probably came off the factory line in 1973. But one brave man decided he wasn’t going to take it anymore and wrote the following to Virgin Airlines. The entire exchange can be found here.

Dear Mr Branson:

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

I know it looks like a baaji, but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter.

So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation:

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincerely

XXXX

Via: Russ F