OK, this is a long one. A challenging one. For easier reading, you may want to click to the jump page for the text version. Good luck, and if you take the apartment, please forward a finder’s fee.

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It is often said that “truth is stranger than fiction.” This is especially true in the case of Stranger Than Eviction”. Below is an edited version of events. So if you enjoy this, please pop over to Gabe’s site and enjoy the entire drama.

I am making this site to chronicle the craziest living situation I have ever taken part in. In the month that I subletted a room in this house in St. Charles (a suburb of Chicago), the police have come 5 times, my landlord has been handcuffed twice, and one roommate has been hospitalized. The focus is on my crazy landlord, Gary. Gary is a 63 year old, currently unemployed, overweight, homeowner who enjoys a frequent alcoholic beverage and cigarette. I believe he had bought this house with the intention of selling it for a quick profit. This did not work out, and last I’ve heard the house is going under foreclosure in September.

According to Gabe, the exchange of crazy emails starts after the landlord returns from jail:

July 4:
I wake up to the following note slid under my door.

I then go out to my car and find the following note. This helped clear up that the earlier note was not an apology. I then procede to pack all of my belongings into my car except for my desk and chair. Afterwards, I knocked on Gary’s door to talk about getting my security deposit. He pretended not to be there, and tried to be as silent as possible (for a 63 year old 200+lb hungover man on a spring mattress).

July 4:
Gary,

You requested that I be evicted on July 3rd, 2009. I have yet to receive from you the $500 security deposit that I paid along with my first month’s rent. I will be back tomorrow, July 5th, in order to collect the last of my belongings and would appreciate it if you had the deposit then. If I have not received it by July 18, 2009 or have not heard from you regarding this by July 11th, I will be filing a claim in order to collect. I would prefer, as I am sure you would to, that it not have to come to that. For that reason, if you do not currently have the funds to make such a payment in full, let me know and we can try to work something out. I have provided an address that you can send a check to along with an email address and phone number so you can get ahold of me.

Gabriel Dunn

Gary was kind enough to respond to this email later that night at around midnight:

NOT MY PROBLEM, YOU FOCKIN’ COWARD CUNT!!!!!

July 6:

I woke up this morning to another gem from Gary in my inbox:

Subect: WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY HOME, YOU QUEER, TINY, BIPOLAR, GABE?????

KISS YOUR DEPOSIT GOODBYE..

First off, sentence structure: phenomenal. Clarity of thought: even better. My response email:

Re: WHERE ARE THE KEYS TO MY HOME, YOU QUEER, TINY, BIPOLAR, GABE?????

Dear Gary,

I have no intention of keeping the key I have to your house. I will put it in your mailbox either later today or tomorrow.

As for the subject heading, I’d like to clear something up about “bipolar.” Its roots refer to bi-, two, and -polar, extremes. People that suffer from bipolar disorder experience swings from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. An example of this would be someone who is perfectly friendly during the day, but then sends angry drunken emails at night. In contrast, I believe I have remained at a pretty constant emotional calm throughout all of this.

All the best,
Gabe

July 7:

Subject: Key Drop-Off

Gary,

I dropped off the key with Mike earlier today. Do you have any other reasons for holding on to my security deposit?

Let me know,
Gabe

Gary’s Response:

GO FUCK YOURSELF…

Gary

July 8:

Finer points of this voicemail:

1) “…you broke the contract….” I’m assuming Gary is talking about the part of the contract that read, “if the cops show up to arrest me, the tenant is responsible for keeping me out of jail.” I knew I should have read that thing more carefully.

2) “Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fucking queer. And you’re bipolar.” This part hit a little home because often times my queerness and bipolar disorder do cause me to forget things.

3) What could the purpose of this voicemail be other than to help me stockpile evidence for the ensuing court case?

July 8:
Dear Gary,

I got your voicemail from last night. In which, you said that I would not be receiving my security deposit because I broke the terms of the contract. The terms that you had sent me earlier were:

1. This verbal rental agreement requires one month’s rent as a deposit and each month’s rent is to be paid in advance.
2. Actual monthly utilities (electric, gas, cable TV & high speed internet) are shared equally by all renters.
3. Renter agrees to at least two weeks notice before vacating their room.
4. The deposit less utilities will be returned after renter leaves; usually at the end of the month after utility bills arrive.

I do remember opening the door for the police, but I’m not sure which of these terms I broke in doing so. I left the key with Mike so that I had a witness that I surrendered it. I do intend to pursue a claim as per your suggestion, and will let you know when all the paperwork is finished and filed.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

are u a tuft’s graduate… i doubt it….coward……
You typed “I (GOT) your voicemail from last night.”

Did u take english @ Brebeuf????????????

Gary

————————————————————————-

Dear Gary,

I apologize. I was trying to keep the tone of the conversation still somewhat casual. I received your voicemail from last night. I didn’t realize you were such a stickler on grammar.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT ME, BOY…..

THERE A GREAT DEAL YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOUR FATHER, BOY…..

GO FOCK YOURSELF, YOU LYING INDIANA COWARD… THE HOLY CROSS BROTHERS DRILLED GRAMMAR INTO OUR BRAINS @ CATHEDRAL HS…..

NITE COWARD,

Gary

————————————————————————-

Dear Gary,

What can I say? As much as I would like to slight you for it, your grammar is impeccable.

All the best,
Gabe

————————————————————————-

U BET….DON’T TRY TO TEST ME, BOY!!!

YOU WILL LOSE…..

GOOD LUCK, BOY,

Gary

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July 11:

I sent Gary this email early in the day when I thought he would be able to soberly assess the situation:

Subject: Security Deposit

Dear Gary,

I filed a claim today at the Kane County Clerk’s office for an amount of $500 plus whatever additional court costs I incur. So far, the costs of filing have been $141.00. This makes the total $641.00. If the judge rules in my favor, you will be required to pay any other legal fees I encounter as well as your own. I would like to offer you one last chance to settle outside of court. By returning my security deposit, plus the court costs I have already paid, you will be saving yourself both time and money. I encourage you to consider this seriously.

Sincerely,
Gabe Dunn

Rather than giving this thought then, it would appear as if he set it aside so that he could return to it around midnight, when he apparently likes to handle most of his correspondence and legal affairs:

u r a liar….u r NOT bright enough to file a complaint….bipolar, queer, COWARD…..

—————————————————————————————

Dear Gary,

These are not very difficult forms to fill out. Even a bipolar, queer, coward from Fermilab could figure it out. I know my current address. I know your address (bear in mind, I did live there for a month). There was not much else to it. I take it you do not plan to take me up on my offer, and I am genuinely sorry to hear that.

All the best,
Gabe

—————————————————————————————

Subject: YOU DO NOT SCARE ME, BOY!!!!!!!!!!

WHATEVER YOU SAY “GIRLIE-BOY”….. B)

I swear on my life that I have not added in the smiley faces. If I didn’t know Gary, I would think this was a friendly, albeit biting, email. Unfortunately, I was unable to find an emoticon that expresses: “I can’t believe I ever gave this moron $500 in the first place.” Once again, in bold means it was actually in red in the email.

Dear Gary,

I’m not quite sure why that was in quotations. On the same hand, I’m not sure why it’s all in caps, why it’s red, and why you would include emoticons in your response email to someone explaining that they were bringing a lawsuit against you. You are being told by someone 40 years your junior that you should consider a more mature outlook on this situation. In any event, I would like to thank you for making an already easy case somewhat of a slam-dunk.

All the best,
Gabe

Luckily, Gary was able to muster what maturity he had left for:

Subject: “Girlie Boy”…..

GO TO BED…..“GIRLIE-BOY”…..

Sometimes, even Gary is right…. I’m off to bed.

For more of this saga, visit: Stranger Than Eviction”

Landlords in many cases, are little more than car salesmen that have decided they need to pursue a slimier career. So they hook in unsuspecting people, make them sign contracts the approximate size of the NYC phone book and then proceed to be as lazy or cheap as possible. See the following exchange as a perfect example:

From: John ——–
Date: 1 July 2009 15:50:41 BST
To: ———– Letting Dept
Subject: Re: Lawnmower

Dear Mr ———–

I am writing in regards to your recent request for a lawnmower to be provided by your landlord.
Unfortunately the landlord will not be providing you with this and has asked me to remind you of your responsibility to maintain the gardens.
If you would like and suggestions on local gardeners who could ask to tidy the gardens, please call me at the office

Yours sincerely
Simon ——–

Dear Simon,

Firstly, thank you for following up on this after my recent inspection and obtaining a reply from the landlord. As you have kindly relayed his message to me, perhaps you would also be able to relay the following queries back to him.

First of all, how would he like me to maintain the garden without a lawnmower? With my teeth and a pair of scissors? I can see the environmental benefits to undertaking such a task, but to be frank I feel that to meticulously sever each blade of grass and chew it until it is of sufficient consistency to swallow – would be an unproductive use of my time. In addition to this I don’t really enjoy spending time on my hands and knees – you see I work on the internet, and once you’ve spent enough time on the internet you find that the hands and knees position becomes automatically associated with what can only be described as very disturbing homoerotic imagery. And as I’m epileptic, I’m sure that going into a state of shock whilst trimming the grass with a sharp pair of scissors would not be adviseable – I’m sure you can see the logic behind this.

The other concern that I would like to register, is if our dear landlord is expecting us to buy a lawnmower rather than proceeding with the aforementioned environmentally friendly option. Now I come to think of it, it does seem a little ironic that people use environmentally unfriendly means (lawnmowers) to maintain their residential slice of environment, don’t you think? But if he does expect us to buy a lawnmower ourselves, please ask him what planet he is currently residing on, that would lead him to believe that this is a logical option (I suspect Jupiter, but if you were to wager Mercury I would also say that you would have a fair bet on your hands).

You see if we were to buy a lawnmower, then at some point in the future leave this rented property in favour of a new tenant – the chances are that we would no longer have any use for said lawnmower, and we would have to tip it into the ocean. Now the new tenants would be faced with much the same predicament (lack of lawnmower) – and they too will have to buy a lawnmower, then be rid of it when they leave the house.

Surely by this logic you can understand that if we were to carry on like this for the next 20 years then the ocean will have to be renamed to “satan’s lawnmower dump of hell”. And while the sight of such a feat amuses me – it does seem a little impractical to the likes of fish – and what did they do to do deserve it? How would you feel if someone dumped 50million lawnmowers on your house, just because your fish-lord refused to purchase a bubblemower for you?

I feel that I’ve made my points, and trust that a lawnmower will be delivered to the house swifty so that I – and all other future tenants may make use of it, and in doing so avoid what would essentially be the worst natural disaster ever to face the earth.

In closing, would you please point out to our friend, the lord-of-land, that by my request for a lawnmower I was directly indicating my awareness of my responsibility to maintain the gardens. As such, his request to you to “remind me” of my responsibility to maintain the gardens is not only sheer lunacy, it’s downright skullduggery.

If you had arranged for me to wash your car, and I came up to you and asked you for some water to wash your car with – would you then remind me that I had agreed to was your car? It’s this sort of madness that got George Bush elected – and we all know what came of that untimely, supposedly democratic, 8 years of sheer stupidity. Quite frankly a band of monkeys armed with nothing more than their own feces and a pair of stainless steel pliers could probably have done a better job. I’m sure that you understand where I’m going with this.

Remember, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on.

I hope to hear from you soon

Via: John N