I love this idea. In fact, I think it should be franchised. What name would work on strip mall storefronts everywhere? Apetcalypse? Number of the Beasts? I dunno . . .

Are you a Christian or Catholic worried about what will happen to your
beloved pets after The Rapture? If you’re going to heaven you’ll need
someone to take care of your pets who are left behind. As a
non-believer (who will not be Raptured) I’m offering to care for your
pets post-rapture. It’s a simple agreement, for a small fee of $125, I
will adopt your pet should The Rapture occur in the next ten years.
(After ten years you can renew the agreement for the current market
price). Please contact me today for more info!

Submitted by: Katherine

Me? I’m an astronaut. I don’t know anything about space, but trust me, I have a team of people to tell me all about it.

From: P.C.
Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 3:41 PM
To: N.T.
Subject: Online content writer

Hello Sir
how are you?
this is P.C.
we are the team of writers and expert in writing.
we are 100% PLAGIARISM FREE we provide HIGH quality of work and we always avoid copyscape and we are having 3-5 years of experience in content writing and having list of hundreds of satisfied clients.

I have attached some of the samples of our recent work
which will help you to evaluate our work
please replay me in each case as soon as possible

regards
P.C.

From: N.T.
Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 3:45 PM
To: P.C.
Subject: RE: Online content writer

Hi PC,

After reading your email it is clear that you have very poor English writing and grammar. How do you expect anyone to want to use your writing services?

Thanks

NT

From: P.C.
Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 4:25 PM
To: N.T.
Subject: RE: Online content writer

Thanks a lot for replaying me back sir actually i am work provider my writers are excellent in english we are having a lot of satisfied clients who still wants to work with us please i request you to check the samples send by me kindly check the sample please than go to any desicion

Looking forward to hear from you soon in each case
Thnaks and regards

PC

From: N.T.
Sent: Friday, August 07, 2009 5:19 PM
To: P.C.
Subject: RE: Online content writer

I refuse to even look at your samples because your emails are so badly written. If you are serious about promoting your writing services I highly recommend you work on your English. If you can’t do that then at least get your “expert writers” to proof read and correct your emails before you send them out.

Thanks,
NT

From: P.C.
Sent: Saturday, August 08, 2009 1:00 AM
To: N.T.
Subject: RE: Online content writer

Ok sir as you wish but it would be better if u had a look on samples because samples are going to publish at your business not my mails and my writers are excellent i know your business can move to new heights with us

Anyways thanks for your time wish you best of luck for future

regards
PC

Submitted By: Brett J

Submitted by: Elly

They’d best beware – Laveau was known as a talented voodoo practitioner, so this guy may not be kidding about his “skills.” I guess we “many americans” should be glad he’s on our side.

At least the Nigerians told me I was gonna get rich.

Mary writes: Check out this fake email my husband got over the summer… i’ve seen a lot of phishing scams, but this one is new to me! hilarious!!
Thankfully, my husband was not terminated by the hit man and he lived to forward me this email (even though he did not “comply good” with the assassin). LOL.

I want you to read this message very carefully, and keep its content
secret till further notice, you have no need of knowing who I am, where am
from, till I make out a space for us to see, I have been paid $50,000.00
in advance to terminate your existence with some reasons not listed in my
contract by my employer, this employer is one you may call family, I have
been in close surveillance for one week and three days now and have seen
that you may be innocent, which really is not for me to decide.

Note that for your safety do not think of contacting the police or F.B.I
or try to send a copy of the message to them, because seeing an alert on
this massage will force me to do what I do not intend doing (Believe me it
will seem like an accident to even the F.B.I forensics) As this is the
first time am betraying a client.I will be needing a retirement fee from
you to return to my country ASAP as I can not stay any longer in your
country after this.

Now, listen very carefully I will arrange a location for you to pick up
tapes and pics of me and my employer for court evidence, and also meet
with you face to face if you promise you won’t involve the police or
F.B.I. Contact this email within 48hrs as I do not have much time.
*****@yahoo.com

Be careful of who you think you are showing this massage to, we are
watching and listening to every move you make.

You don’t need my phone contact for now till am assured you are ready to
comply good.

Submitted by: Mary

Joe writes, “This is an exchange between myself and a guy “adopting” tortoises through Craigslist. As you may know, selling animals on Craigslist is illegal. If you’re looking for a new home for a family pet, however, you’re allowed to do so and ask for a small (note: small) rehoming fee. Basically, you’re not to be profiting on your pet, just making sure they find a good, new home. I came across Josh’s ad for a few tortoises and the following is what took place…..”

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 10:56 AM
Subject: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

I’d be interested in adopting these tortoises. I’ve already got one, so I know how to care for them. How much might your rehoming fee be?

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:17 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

The rehoming fee is $350 and they are well over 120lbs a piece.
You can also call at [REDACTED]

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:29 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Wow, sounds more like you’re selling them. Can you justify your rehoming fee or are you trying to make a profit? I’m aware of their cost to purchase them at the store (as I said, I too, own one as does my brother). But, the pet stores have a license to ’sell’ them. A high, but not outrageous, rehoming fee might be around $100 each. If you’re ‘rehoming’ these tortoises at $350 for all three, then I’d say it’s justifiable, but still a stretch. Let me know, though. Thanks for your time and much luck to you in finding these guys new homes. Take care!

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:33 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

I put a lot of money into my tortoises and deserve to have my money back its peoploe like that want everything for free. If you have a problam call some one about it or stop by and we can see if you have any concerns with me or my set up from there.

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:42 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Okay, calm down. Here’s how I look at it: You purchased these animals in hopes of providing them a good home and for your enjoyment. Circumstances have come up that made it difficult for you to keep said animals. So you’re telling me you need to be “compensated” for your time spent with them? You were going to spend that money and time on the animals regardless, unless you were planning to profit off them eventually from the start. It’s like expecting to recoup your losses if one of the tortoises had died. Also, I never once asked for anything for free, so please don’t accuse me of doing so. I’m sorry for taking up your time and I respect your decision. I do sincerely hope you not only can find a safe new home for these animals but also get at minimum what your asking for them. Sorry for the misunderstanding, good day to you.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:48 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

The money we get from our torts goes back into there enviroment. Like tortoise matts at $137.00 apiece which we a dozan of sheds at $700.00 apiece for nice winter homes, lumber at $1,000 dollars, sprinklers ,trees, palm trees, grass, food. I’m sure that’s a ton more than what you do for yours. Like I said your always welcome to stop buy and look around ask for a license.

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:51 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

So you’ll still have some tortoises left or those last 3 are it?

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 2:57 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

How about this show us what you have I’m sure it’s a poor set up first of all because you can’t afford to give your torts what they deserve. How many acres do they have to roam? What do there sheels look like? We find torts good homes not poor set ups.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 3:02 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

We destroy all clutches if produced. You sound like you need to get a life and bother some one else on graigs list. There is an over population of these torts in AZ so there for we do not breed we make enough money with out having to depend on animals for it. Like I said your always welcome to call or stop by and try to find some thing wrong.

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 3:10 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

I have one tortoise and he’s been happy and healthy since I got him 12 years ago. If it’s a bad living condition, he sure seems to be doing fine. Furthermore, I’m very pleased with this one and have no plans of ‘rehoming’ him or anything like that. But this whole thing has got me to rethink ‘adopting’ others. It may not be wise to try to care for more, since I’m used to having only one.
—
I just received your other email, so I’ll respond to it here (to save you some time). As I stated before, my intent was not to get into an email argument. I believe you that you take the best of care of your many tortoises and see no need to stop by. My life is just fine. I’ve got Sundays off and have spent only a little while corresponding with you. If this had been during my busy week, I would not have done so. Anyhow, I apologize for irritating you on this beautiful day, time for me to get off the computer and take my grandchildren to the park.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 3:22 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

I would love to see how you care for yours why don’t you send a picture of hime and let us tell you how fine he is doing, how much space does he have , or how much heat does he have, what do you feed yours? Does he get to roam free like they do in the wild? Ours do we put so much money and effort in to our torts we don’t need lonely people like your self worrying about our animals. I can gaurantee our animals have it 10 times better than your lumpy looking thing over there.

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 4:55 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Nice email, first class indeed. You are free to continue to now waste my time, but I ask that you will reconsider. Go ahead and sell your top quality tortoises and I will continue to care for and love my one and only. Take care and Happy Holidays to you and yours.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:34 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

“See” I knew it. Your so smart until you get your self into a situation. You don’t know anything about torts but yet your so smart.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:41 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Why do you feed your torts veggies? It’s not like they have fields of veggis growing in africa were these torts originated from. There built for dry grasses only, your forcing him to eat something that is not intended or natural to there diet.

From: Josh
To: Joe
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 5:43 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Did you know there like little elephants that means they need to roam that’s what they are built for you have yours trapped in a little area probably driving him crazy.

From: Joe
To: Josh
Sent: Sunday, December 14, 2008 9:01 PM
Subject: Re: African spur thigh monsters for adoption (Surprise)

Seriously? It looks as though you may be the one who needs “to get a life.” I wasn’t going to respond, but these last 3 (yes, three, Josh, three!) responses were priceless…. no pun intended. I’m not sure what ’situation’ I’m in exactly, but it’s not too difficult to tell who the smart one is. And where might you be receiving your so-called information (I use that word very loosely)? I have no need to tell you how I care for my precious tortoise, but as I stated before, he’s both happy and healthy. He’s been that way for 12+ years and will certainly outlive me, enjoying his life that way the entire time. If I am ever forced to part ways with my tortoise, I can assure you of one thing, I won’t ‘charge’ anyone anything. I’d either give him to a relative that I know will care for him as he should be cared for or I’ll give him to a shelter where, again, I know he will be taken care of (and I’m sure they’ll find him a new home).

Have fun with the tortoise mill you’re running out in Surprise, I truly hope it all works out fine for you…. well, that is, until the proper authorites catch wind of this. Take it easy!

Submitted By: Joe

By now every internet capable person has won a large sum of money from Nigeria, whether by way of “lottery” or “deceased person”. What I didn’t know was that there is a whole other group that scams car dealerships with bogus checks. Doug, who sells classic cars, got sick of getting the same scam over and over from the same guy. Ensued the following:

From: reto.*****@****.ch
Subject: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition
To: info@******.com
Date: Wednesday, July 1, 2009, 8:59 AM

Hello I am interested in this 1966 Mustang GT convertible. Send me please detail photo of the vehicle on the email reto.*****@****.ch
Is the car accident free? Numbers Matching? Detail photo of the engine and transmission as well as of the axles. Does air conditioning system have? Thank you

Von: Doug
Gesendet: Mittwoch, 1. Juli 2009 18:46
An: Schläpfer Reto
Betreff: Re: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition

Hi, Mobi,

I can assure you with many confidences this vehicle meets all rules of excellency and is very reliable car to show. I can send many detailed pictures upon your permissions to show how beauty and fun car will be for you. I require 400 lbs sterlings oranges in payments up front, with full delivery prices included in price. You will not be in not love with this really not unlovable vehicle I can promise. For only 400 lbs magnets sterlings oranges silver you can own this car clear and frees. You can reach me by emailing me at: forehead.magnets.plates.skulls@unnecessarysurgery.dr. I look happy to receive your reply at an earlier yesterday.

Yours in true honesty and reciprocatedness,

Maglio FattSac

From: reto.******@***.ch
Subject: AW: 1966 A-code Mustang GT in show-ready condition
To: “Doug”
Date: Thursday, July 2, 2009, 12:58 AM

Good mornings,
Please send me detail photos of the engine, transmission, axles and the under ground on this email address. If everything in order is buys I this Mustang. How much does HP have this engine?
Is the car accident free? Numbers Matching? Does air conditioning system have?
Please answer my questions. I expect gladly the detail photos.

Thank you

Greets Reto

Permanent salutations and warm cinnamon buns to you, Mobi!

Please to forgive my latent mustaches as I spent the entire 4 yesterdays having a custom turbin mounted to by nogginnessness. I shall replies with ardent fervor as to the ongoingness of our binding contracteds.

I rush answers to inside your now questions:

1) This mustang of beautiful powerful is very. It is rated at 250 HPs, better to say as “horse phalluses.” To you means that goezit hardly slow, and stops for pretty girl horses that have gasoline in their farts. Ooooooh buddy! You will love her long time.

2) The car does not have some accidents, but I have to charge you an extra 50 lbs magnets/dresses/used motors oil/silver/goblets if you need me to wreck up the car for you first. I don’t like that. Sad to me it makes.

3) This numbers all same matching, but you can taste them yourselves when you see car in people. I like to emboss my words with rotary republic and flied lice if you wish.

4) Air conditioning system she did get divorced from high horse phallus Mustang too many moon units ago. To install new one that eats hot airs is no problemo for new $25 metal plates/pocket fuzz/apple cider/monies/buckets (sterlings). You have like nice air conditionings, Mobi? I do. But my peepee go shrinky doodle when too cold it gets.

For to send multiply pictures of undergrounds is fatt. You like to see what I sends, never not dislove this lovey dovey wovey shovey.

I will eat some Greets Reto, too, Mobi! It’s yummy! I smell sideways to the next talks we constipate over Mustangs. Perhaps I can poop a valve cover into our emails.

Sparingly Sarcastic Anon,

Maglio Fattsac

Submitted By: Doug